


Whatever It Takes

by warqueenfuriosa



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Drama, F/M, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Torture, Reader-Insert, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-16 12:35:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 26,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9272081
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/warqueenfuriosa/pseuds/warqueenfuriosa
Summary: Reader and Cassian have kept their relationship a secret, but when Reader is captured and tortured by the Empire, all of Yavin 4 knows that Cassian will stop at nothing to get her back.





	1. Chapter 1

A kiss tastes so much sweeter in stolen moments, hushed and breathless with excitement.

Minutes ago, Cassian passed me in the hallway with a nod. To the casual observer, everything was perfectly normal and no one knew how my pulse skyrocketed or the way my fingers itched to reach for him.

Then he glanced over his shoulder, found the hallway empty, and took my hand. He pulled me into a supply closet filled with spare parts, smelling of grease and fuel. We stumbled into each other, barely managing to stifle our laughter.

Before the door had closed, Cassian was already kissing me, over and over, one hand at my waist, the other cupping my face. He buried his fingers in my hair and slid his hand to the small of my back, drawing me closer until I was flush against him.

“God, I missed you,” he breathed, a soft secret against my mouth.

“I’ve always been right here,” I replied, brushing my nose against his. “Waiting. All yours at any time.”

He sighed and touched his forehead to mine. “It’s just…”

“I know, I know. The job gets in the way.”

“Doesn’t stop me from thinking about you every minute of the day though.”

Cassian and I had been circling each other for months with the occasional interaction thrown in when I was assigned to work with his team on a handful of missions here and there. Sometimes, I caught him watching me from across the loading bay only to quickly turn away. Other times, I was the one staring and he was the one catching me with the fiercest blush blazing across my cheeks.

When we finally decided to do something about it, after a little fumbling and some shy laughter, we eventually ended up here, stealing kisses in abandoned hallways or supply closets and even in the tentative privacy of his ship if we were feeling lucky enough to risk being seen.

Cassian was the one who wanted to keep everything quiet. It was strange, passing him on base in the middle of a crowded room with barely an acknowledgement from him. But once I got him alone, there wasn’t a hint of his previous reservation from before. His hands were everywhere, kisses lingering and insistent, as if he had been starving for every inch of me he could reach. A whirlwind six months had passed like this and it still sent me reeling, like I couldn’t believe it was really happening.

“You know,” I said, trailing a finger down the lapel of his jacket. “If you told your team about me, we wouldn’t need these secret meetings anymore.”

That look crept into his eyes again, like he had something to say he knew I wouldn’t like and he was already preparing to make up for it. I dropped my gaze, focusing on his jacket instead. I hated this part. The apologies always came right before we had to go our separate ways again. Cassian did his best to ease the sting with a promise to pick up where we left off but that undefined later typically got interrupted too and then there were more apologies…it was getting old.

“Please don’t,” I said.

“Don’t what?”

“Apologize. I can see it on your face. We’re always apologizing to each other because we have to be somewhere else and I really don’t want to hear it anymore.”

He placed his hand over mine, curling his fingers into my palm.

“Just give me a little more time,” he said softly.

I bit back a growl of frustration but the sharp, bitter words at the tip of my tongue were out before I could stop them.

“Six months isn’t enough time already?”

Heat flushed up my neck and I clamped my mouth shut, shaking my head.

“Sorry,” I mumbled. “Didn’t mean that.”

“I think you did. And you have every right to.”

Surprised, I glanced up, ready to spout off another one of those bittersweet apologies, but I stopped when I saw the ghost of a smile at the corner of his mouth.

“You’re not mad?” I said.

“Why would I be?”

“Maybe because I was an ass to you just now.”

“You spoke your mind. I wouldn’t have it any other way. Besides, I like seeing you fired up.”

“You’re not supposed to get me fired up on purpose.”

“I didn’t!” he said, laughing. “Look, sweetheart, I know you’re impatient and I know this is frustrating for you. But I really do need more time. Only a few weeks.”

I sighed and looked away. He pulled my hand up and kissed my palm, his dark eyes watching me the whole time.

“Okay?” he said, tentative and searching.

I nodded, grudgingly. “Okay. But I’m still going to be impatient.”

“I would expect nothing less,” he said. “Anything else you’d like me to know?”

I shrugged, suddenly feeling an awkward prickle stabbing all over my skin. Might as well clear the air since I’d already opened the can of worms and dumped it all over the place.

“I guess…I can’t help feeling like…you’re not telling me something.”

His smile faltered and his thumb skated over the back of my knuckles, automatically soothing me to ease his own growing concern.

“Like what?” he said.

“I don’t know…maybe you don’t want people to know about me for some reason.”

Cassian’s eyes narrowed slightly as he studied me. I didn’t back down, despite the way my entire body seized up with the desire to sink straight through the floor.

“You’re right,” he said. “I don’t want anyone to know about you.”

My heart lurched in my chest and a rush of cold shot through my veins. I had been tossing around the idea in the back of my mind for a while, but to hear it actually come out of his mouth made my stomach twist.

“Why?” I said, my voice small and quiet.

His hands settled on either side of my face and he looked me straight in the eye, unwavering, no hesitation, no doubt.

“Once I start telling people about you, I won’t be able to stop. And I’m selfish, I’d like to keep you to myself for as long as I can.”

I blew out a breath of relief and my heart gave another lurch, a different lurch this time.

“Scared the hell out of me there for a second, you bastard,” I said with a jab to his ribs.

He blocked the blow easily and kissed me through his laughter, sliding an arm around my waist. I put my hands on his chest, pushing him back and squirming away.

“No, no, no,” I said, turning my head to the side, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from smiling. “You don’t get to kiss me like that after what you just did. Almost gave me a heart attack.”

“Do you want me to apologize?”

I started to protest but the words fell flat and tumbled down my throat again when I saw his smirk.

“As a matter of fact,” I said, “yes, I do.”

I tipped my chin up in an attempt to look defiant but his eyes brightened and he inched a little closer. He tightened his hold on me as I retreated and my back hit the shelves lining the closet wall.

“Are you sure?” he whispered, his mouth hovering above mine, not quite touching.

His breath fanned over my skin, warm and light, and it was impossible to fight the way my body listed towards him. His hand settled against the curve of my neck and shoulder, his thumb resting just below my ear as he kissed me slowly, his tongue tracing the line of my bottom lip. I sucked in a small sound of surprise and his tongue slipped past my lips, gliding along the roof of my mouth.

My eyes fluttered closed and I couldn’t stop the tiny whimper that escaped me despite my best attempts to hide it. He hummed with triumph and the vibrations shivered along my nerves, rippling like lightning all the way out to my fingertips. He stepped impossibly closer until I could feel his hips pressed to mine, the thrum of his heart against my chest as he deepened the kiss without mercy, robbing the last breath of air from my lungs. I grabbed fistfuls of his shirt to keep my knees from buckling as he scraped his teeth over my bottom lip.

“Better?” he said, his voice husky and low, mumbled against my skin as he placed feathery, lazy kisses along my jawline.

“You’re still a terrible person for teasing me,” I replied.

“Do you need another apology?”

“Yes,” I said, my fingers tucking under his belt buckle.

But he caught my wrist lightly.

“Except for that,” he said.

“Why not?”

“I have to be at the strategy center in fifteen minutes. Probably more like ten minutes now.”

“Plenty of time then.”

He laughed softly and shook his head. “No it’s not. It’s bad enough I have to kiss you in a rush like this. I’m not doing anything else in a rush.”

For a split second, I thought about letting him off the hook…but not after kissing me like that. I slid my hands into his jacket and felt a thrill of victory when he shivered.

“Don’t,” he whispered, closing his eyes.

“Don’t what?”

“Ten minutes is not enough time,” he said through clenched teeth, his resolve crumbling fast.

“Ten minutes is a challenge,” I said, “and I know you’re always up for one of those.”

He swore under his breath and his hands flew to my face as he kissed me hard, all teeth and tongue, sharp with hunger this time. Just as his hands slipped beneath my shirt, the broad expanse of his palms warm and firm against my ribs, a noise crackled in the small space of the closet.

“Captain,” K2’s tinny voice said, “we have a slight problem.”

Cassian jerked away, turned his back to me and sighed as he dragged his hands down his face, composing himself before he responded to K2’s call on the comlink. He cleared his throat and took another steadying breath.

“What do you need, K-Two?” he said.

“Bodhi has burned himself with a welding torch and he refuses to go to the med bay to have it taken care of.”

“How bad is it?”

“If I didn’t think it was bad, I would not have bothered you. Even though I have no idea where you disappeared to without me, I understand you are needed in the strategy center in five minutes and – “

Cassian grimaced. “ _Five_?” he hissed to himself. “I had ten minutes only a second ago.”

“That’s what happens when you’re having fun,” I said.

I wrapped my arms around him from behind and placed a kiss at the base of his neck. He leaned his head back and placed his hand over mine.

“You’re killing me, sweetheart.”

I smiled, sliding my hands up his chest. “Payback for being mean earlier.”

“I apologized for that.”

“And you did it so well. But I still needed my revenge.”

“Captain,” K2 said. “Are you there?”

Cassian groaned as he pulled away and turned around to face me. He pressed a kiss to my forehead.

“Tonight,” he said. “We’ll have more than ten minutes. I promise.”

“I’ll leave my door unlocked.”

“You could come to my room every once in a while, you know. Unless you don’t want to…”

“Of course I want to. But K-Two doesn’t see the necessity of knocking since he’s attached to you at the hip.”

“Good point.”

“Now you’re down to three minutes, Captain.”

He groaned again with one last quick kiss before he tore himself away and pushed out the door.

[][][]

After Cassian left, I decided to catch up on all those dreaded mission reports I’d been putting off for weeks. But when I returned to my quarters, I found Mon Mothma waiting for me. Startled, I stopped at the threshold of my room. She silently gestured for me to shut the door.

“I have a special request,” she said. “It involves the delivery of some sensitive information.”

“And I’m assuming since you’re in my quarters that it’s pretty hush-hush.”

“You can’t tell anyone, not even on this base.”

I hesitated as Cassian’s face flashed across my mind before I brushed the thought aside. It wasn’t easy keeping things from him, he could usually see right through my bluff, but there were plenty of times he didn’t tell me things too. It was simply another part of the job and that, I knew, Cassian would understand above anything else.

“Got it,” I said.  

“Good,” Mon Mothma said. “I need you to go to Anadeen.”

My eyebrows rose slightly. “That’s pretty rough territory. Didn’t the Empire take control of the planet a while ago?”

“Yes, and because of that, I have a spy there who can’t leave the planet without raising the Empire’s suspicion.”

“So what is it you want me to do exactly?”

Mon Mothma held out a holodisc to me. “Take this to him. He’ll be waiting in the Orion shipyard tonight, three hours from now. Dock fifteen. Code word, Bravo Zero.”

“Three hours? That’s…going to be a bit tight.”

“If I could give you more time, I would. But if my spy doesn’t get this information in three hours, he will die.”

I nodded and headed to the door before I stopped and turned back.

“I’ll be risking my own life for this,” I said, holding up the holodisc. “Do I get a little hint as to what’s on it?”

Mon Mothma studied me for a moment in silence. “No.”

“It’s better if I don’t know anything.”

She dipped her head in acknowledgement. “I’m afraid so.”

“Deliver it, no questions asked. Understood.”

Just as the door closed behind me, I could have sworn I heard her whisper, “Good luck.”

[][][]

My Stormtrooper uniform itched like crazy. I felt as if I’d been stuffed in an overheated tin can. But I fought the urge to take my helmet off for two seconds of fresh air.

Anadeen’s shipyards were crammed with ships, nestled together wingtip to wingtip, some battered and beaten, others shiny and brand new. All of them were crawling with Imperial mechanics and droids.

And Stormtroopers were everywhere.

It took nearly the entire three hours to get to the Orion shipyard undetected. Dock fifteen was blessedly empty though, deserted except for two Stormtroopers lingering on the far south edge of the dock, paying no attention to me and bored out of their minds.

Footsteps to my left made me go stock still. Out of the corner of my eye, an Imperial officer came towards me, polished black boots and crisp uniform causing my stomach to tighten with dread.

If I’d caught the eye of an Imperial officer for being out of place at the wrong time, this assignment was over before it even started.

As the officer passed behind me, I heard two faint words.

“Bravo Zero.”

Thank the stars, I wasn’t too late. I kept my gaze straight ahead as I slipped the holodisc out of my stolen uniform. I felt a sliver of tension slide away as I realized my mission was almost complete. And for a split second, it seemed as if time stood still, hovering, waiting.

Then the officer clamped his hand on the back of my neck and chaos erupted.

Stormtroopers poured onto the dock, weapons drawn. I dropped the holodisc and stomped on it, shattering the metal case and sending tiny particles of the disc skidding across the floor. Whatever was on that disk, I knew the Empire couldn’t have it.

The officer yanked my helmet off and his fingers dug into my neck as he shoved me to my knees.

“There’s your Bravo Zero,” he hissed, pointing to the entrance of the dock.

A man sagged between two Stormtroopers, bloodied and beaten, barely able to stand on his own. He wouldn’t look at me, his gaze trained on the floor, head bowed in shame.

“With the right amount of encouragement,” the officer continued, “he squealed like the Rebel pig he is. Told us all about how a delicate piece of information was coming his way this evening and it couldn’t possibly fall into enemy hands. And now it’s your turn.”

His fingers tightened even more until my shoulders hunched up around my ears in a vain effort to relieve the agonizing pressure.

“Tell me what was on the holodisc,” he demanded.

“I don’t know.”

“You’re _lying_.”

“My orders were to deliver it. That’s all.”

“I don’t believe you.”

I started to protest when pain exploded in the back of my head and I felt myself falling forward before darkness swarmed in around me.

[][][]

I woke up in a small room with nothing but creeping shadows barely held at bay by a thin trembling light in the corner. My arms were chained to either side of me and my toes couldn’t quite touch the floor. Metal bit into my wrists until the chains grew hot and slick with my blood and my shoulders screamed from the unnatural strain. All I could do was hang there, spread eagle and vulnerable to anything that came my way.

The ache in my head had blossomed, seeping into every part of me, shredding through my nerves like knives, lighting up my veins like a blazing wild fire. This wasn’t just a bump on the head anymore. I’d been given something to make me more receptible to pain, something that would cause even the slightest, innocent touch to be excruciating.

The officer returned, tapping a giant syringe against the palm of his hand. He sighed as the door closed and he stopped in front of me.

“I’m going to ask you again,” he said. “What was on that holodisc?”

“I swear I have no idea.”

He shook his head and uncapped the syringe, holding it up.

“Do you know what this is?” he said.

“I don’t care.”

“Oh you will. This is a liquid nightmare. Causes hallucinations, spikes the adrenaline in your body, and constricts the lungs. The more adrenaline you feel, the more terrified you will become. Your lungs will contract and it will be even harder to breathe. Essentially…”

He paused, sliding the needle into my neck. I bit my lip and closed my eyes against the stab, refusing to give him the satisfaction of a reaction.

“Essentially,” he continued, “it will feel like you’re slowly suffocating while you watch your worst fears play out in your mind.”

He produced another syringe and uncapped it.

“Whenever you decide to comply with my request,” he said, “the antidote is waiting. No more pain. No more suffering. Just sweet bliss.”

“I don’t believe you,” I said through gritted teeth. I could already feel it sliding through my muscles, this liquid nightmare, tightening my body like a string ready to snap.

The officer shrugged. “Your loss.”

As he turned to leave, a laugh bubbled up my throat, rough from lack of humor, scraped raw with barely contained terror. He stopped and turned to face me, cold fury in his eyes.

“He’s going to kill you,” I wheezed.

The officer raised an eyebrow, amused. “Who? Your spy friend? He’s been dead a while already. Too stubborn for his own good. Refused to give me what I asked for, just as you’re doing now, and in the end, his injuries were too much for him to handle.”

“Not talking about him.”

The officer’s amusement faltered, replaced with annoyance. “Then who?”

“Cassian Andor.”

The officer studied me for a moment, trying to decide if I was finally telling the truth or not.

“Captain of the infamous Rogue One team, correct?” he said.

I nodded. “When the Empire hurts people he cares about, he doesn’t take it too well.”

“And I suppose he cares about you?”

I managed a slight smile despite my muscles winding tighter and tighter from the toxins working its way to my brain, squeezing my heart until it felt about ready to pop like a grape.

“If you won’t let me go,” I said, “you’ll find out the hard way.”

“I don’t think so,” the officer said.

“Can’t say I didn’t warn you.”

He trailed the tip of one finger down my cheek. I jerked my head to the side and he caught my chin, fingers curled into my face.

“If he cares so much about you,” the officer continued, “you wouldn’t be here alone. But you’ve been unconscious for nearly a week. And there hasn’t been a single rescue attempt made in your name.”

“He’ll be here.”

It was a bluff and a poor one at that, the last, desperate hope I was clinging to with bone white knuckles. Cassian had no clue where I was. He probably didn’t even know I was missing. But I wanted to believe it, that against all odds, against the complete impossibility of it, he would still find me. Somehow.

The officer smiled, his lips tight and his eyes flat.

“We’ll see,” he said. “But you’ll be dead in three days if you don’t tell me what I want to know.”

“Go to hell.”

“Wouldn’t agree with me. It’s full of Rebel trash like you.”

[][][]

The officer paid two more visits and each time, he slid another full syringe into my neck. My grip on reality was slipping fast, too fast. Every breath, small and labored, sounded too hoarse, too loud in the silence of the barren, lonely room. The world tipped and swayed, pulsed and contracted black and red until my entire body felt like one big ball of heat.

Then I saw him.

“Cassian.”

He was clear as day, a slight smile on his face, his dark eyes soft. His collar was open at the throat and his hair was a little disheveled…exactly the way he’d left me that day in the supply closet.

“This is the part,” he said, “that’s always so satisfying.”

Cassian shifted and fell away as a fresh spasm of pain locked every muscle in my body tight until I wanted to scream. But I gritted my teeth when I saw the officer standing before me, his hands folded behind him.

“Once a prisoner starts hallucinating their loved one,” he continued, “it means they’re just…about…to fold.”

I refused to waste what precious little energy I had left on him with a response. If I couldn’t physically defend myself, my silence would have to be enough, denying him what he wanted.

The officer sighed with annoyance and took a step closer. He placed the icy sharp edge of a scalpel to my cheek and a flicker of fear darted up my spine. I didn’t have much fight in me. If he started to cut…I wouldn’t be able to hold on anymore.

Then I barely heard it, the footstep outside the door.

At first, I thought it was my mind toying with me again, but when the officer straightened I knew he heard it too. As he turned to face the door, a second officer entered the room. In the dim light, all I could make out was his uniform, the boots polished to a slick shine, the cap pulled low over his eyes, casting a dark, grim shadow across his face.

I bit the inside of my cheek to fight off the threatening burn of tears. One officer was bad enough but there was no way I could handle the pain two would inflict on me at the same time.

“Lord Vader sent me to replace you, sir,” the second officer said.

“What for?”

“I wasn’t privileged with that information. All I know is that he wasn’t happy about something.”

The first officer swore under his breath and stomped out of the room. The door closed and for a moment, a terrible, terrible silence rose up like a thunderstorm against the ceiling. This second officer was fresh, eager to start from the top and go through the entire litany of torture all over again…

I kept my gaze trained on the floor as he stepped towards me until I could see the toes of his boots. He reached up and I flinched, shying away. He placed his hands on my face, whisper-soft, and I kicked out with the last of my strength.

“Get your hands off,” I hissed.

To my horror, he edged a little closer, the pressure of his hands growing firm to hold me in place.

“Look at me,” he commanded.

I shook my head, my eyes screwed shut, as I strained away from him a meager, weak inch or two.

“Stop, sweetheart. It’s just me.”

My breath stuttered in my throat at the familiarity of that voice. Cassian’s hands were warm against my cheeks, his thumbs smoothing over my skin just the way I remembered. But…it wasn’t possible. I was hallucinating again, I had to be.

“Open your eyes,” he said.

“No,” I replied, my voice jumpy through my chattering teeth. “You’re…not real.”

His hands slid away from my face and the click of his boot heels moved behind me. For a moment, the chains rattled then shifted before I felt them fall from my wrists. Finally, after god only knew how long, my feet were on solid ground again. My knees sank to the floor but Cassian caught me around the waist, his chin brushing the top of my head.

“I’m right here,” he said. “I got you.”

I pulled back and hesitantly raised my gaze to his. He shoved his cap off so I could see his face.

“Cassian?” I whispered.

My hands crept up his chest and I slowly wrapped my arms around his neck to reassure myself he was really here. Was this all in my head again?

But I could feel his heartbeat against my chest, feel the way his arms came around me so, so carefully, like I was made of glass.

“Yes,” he said, letting out a breath of relief. “It’s me. You’re going to be okay.”

He hauled me to my feet, keeping me tight against his side.

“Can you walk?” he said.

“Show me the way out and I’ll run if I have to. I’m not staying here another second.”

“That’s my girl,” he said with a kiss to my hair.

He pressed a blaster into my hand but I pushed it back.

“No,” I said. “I can’t tell…I’m not thinking clearly. That wouldn’t be a good idea.”

He curled my fingers around it anyway. “All you have to do is shoot anything that moves. And if I go down…”

I caught the front of his uniform, my heart hammering so hard, I thought my ribs would crack. He placed his hand over my wrist.

“Never mind,” he said. “I didn’t say that. It won’t happen. We’re both getting out and we’re going home, all right?”

I nodded, still shaking where I stood, my teeth clacking. Cassian didn’t let go of my wrist and he didn’t move away. He just kept watching me, waiting.

“Breathe, sweetheart,” he said. “Just breathe.”

I sucked in as much air as my tight lungs would allow and nodded again. After another moment of watching me warily, he edged to the door.

He glanced both ways before he motioned me out after him. Cassian kept a bruising grip on my hand as he guided me through the tangled maze of corridors. I turned the corner and ground to a halt, nearly colliding with Cassian when I saw the Imperial officer waiting with six Stormtroopers standing behind him, weapons drawn. Were they real? Or was my mind playing tricks again?

Before I could decide, Cassian pulled me behind him, using himself as a shield.

“You’re never touching her again,” he growled, low and dark.

“Outnumbered and outgunned,” the officer said. “Doesn’t look like you’re in a position to say such things and…”

He trailed off as his gaze shifted to the side and his eyes widened a fraction of an inch in surprise. I followed his gaze to my right to see Baze standing in the hallway, his massive canon of a gun cradled in his arms like a baby. A slight smile teased at the corner of his mouth before he pulled the trigger. Blinding light and deafening thunder exploded in the narrow space of the hallway.

My already over-sensitive body recoiled at the assault of noise and heat and I huddled against Cassian’s back. I clamped my hands over my ears, my forehead pressed between his shoulder blades. He tucked a hand behind him, fingers curved around my waist for comfort.

Sudden silence fell over the hallway. I didn’t dare make any movement apart from carefully laying a trembling hand to Cassian’s back.

“Thought I told you to stay on base,” Cassian said to Baze.

Baze huffed and rolled his eyes as he walked past, stepping over the Stormtroopers on the floor.

“You’re welcome,” he said.

Cassian didn’t waste a second before he was moving again but I faltered when I saw the officer on the floor, his uniform singed and smoking. I waited for him to sit up, to reach out and grab me the moment I walked past. I couldn’t bring myself to believe what I saw before me, that he was dead, that he couldn’t hurt me anymore.

Cassian stopped when he realized I wasn’t following him and backtracked. He took my hand with a gentle tug.

“Eyes on me, sweetheart,” he whispered.

Slowly, I raised my gaze to his and edged my way around the officer’s body.

After another minute, we were outside, Anadeen shipyards stretching out in either direction. Two Rebel ships were on the ground, ready for takeoff. Baze climbed into the first one while Cassian helped me into the second one. But K2 wasn’t at his customary position in the co-pilot’s seat.

“Where’s K2?” I said. “He’s always with you.”

“Not this time,” Cassian replied. “He’s probably on the other ship with Baze.”

There was something nagging at the back of my mind over all this, the way Cassian was working alone, without K2 by his side, and the way he’d spoken to Baze in the hallway.

“Cassian,” I said. “What’s going on?”

Before he could reply, I could just make out the low hum of a voice in Cassian’s headset, cutting the conversation short.

“Strap in,” Cassian said over his shoulder. “Imperial ships are coming up on our tail. Bodhi will distract them but it’s going to be a rough ride for a bit.”

The ship rattled to life and I closed my eyes, curling in on myself to protect my tender, stiff body. After a minute or two the ship slowed and I opened my eyes to see wide open space stretched out across the expanse of the wind shield. No Stormtroopers. No Imperial ships. And no Imperial officers.

As I watched, in the distance, six ships came into view. All Rebel vessels. All friendly. But they weren’t here to provide back up. They circled Cassian’s ship until he stopped and they surrounded him.

I pushed out of my seat to get closer to the cockpit, still wobbly on my feet, and braced a hand against the ceiling of the ship.

“What’s wrong?” I said, my voice trembling and small in the silence.

“It’s nothing,” Cassian said.

“Don’t tell me it’s nothing when it’s obviously not nothing.”

A voice crackled over the speaker system.

“Captain Andor, you and your team are being charged with treason. You will now be escorted back to base.”

“Understood,” Cassian replied. “But my team is innocent. They were following my orders.”

“You’ll have to take that up with Mon Mothma, sir. Not me. As of now, you are no longer in possession of your ship until a final conclusion is reached in regards to your future on Yavin Four.”

The thin pale light of a tractor beam shivered into the darkness from one of the Rebel ships and latched onto Cassian’s ship.

The moment Cassian no longer had control of his ship, he ripped off his headset and tossed it on the console as he surged out of his seat towards me. He caught me in his arms so crushingly tight, I couldn’t breathe. I stumbled back a step and would have lost my balance if I hadn’t been clinging to him the way he was clinging to me. His hand settled at the back of my head and I buried my face in his shoulder with a small, strangled noise.

“Are you okay?” he said softly, never letting go for a second.

“No,” I whispered.

I swallowed a tiny hiccup of panic as he broke away.

“What did they do to you?” he said.

I still flinched slightly when he placed his hands on either side of my face and tipped my head up. He looked me over and very carefully took my hands when he noticed my raw wrists.

“Pumped me full of toxins,” I said, “instead of beating me senseless. Guess I got lucky.”

But my attempt to put on a brave face fell flat when I met Cassian’s eyes.

“You were taken and tortured by the Empire,” he said. “None of that is lucky.”

I ducked my head and pressed the heels of my palms to my eyes. I could feel myself coming apart, piece by piece, but I wasn’t home yet. I refused to cry until I was back on base, away from everyone and everything because I knew once I started, I wasn’t going to stop for a long, long time.

Cassian took my shoulder, pulling me towards him again, but I grimaced and turned aside.

“Your…uniform,” I whispered.

He glanced down at himself, confused for a moment, before understanding finally dawned on him that he still looked like an Imperial officer. He swore softly and fumbled to strip off his jacket as fast as possible. He dropped it on the floor in a heap and kicked it away.

I curled my fingers into his t-shirt, tucking myself in against the warmth of him, my hand against his chest. His heart beat steadily beneath my palm, grounding me with the reminder that he wasn’t going to vanish this time.

He shifted slightly to retrieve his coat from the seat next to mine and draped it over my shoulders.

“Why are you being charged with treason?” I said.

Cassian kept his attention focused on the coat’s zipper and he didn’t look at me but the muscle in his jaw clenched tight. And everything finally clicked into place. My fingers dug into his arm, my breathing too fast and too shallow as a fresh burn of adrenaline spiked through my veins.

“You weren’t supposed to come get me,” I said. “No one was.”

Cassian’s gaze darted up to mine. “It doesn’t matter now.”

“It sure as hell does.”

He retreated a few excruciating inches and my fingernails carved into my palms, leaving crescent moon tattoos buried in my skin to keep myself from reaching out for him.

“Fine,” he said. “You’re right. It does matter. Because you were written off as a prisoner of war and…presumed dead. No negotiating to get your body back. No rescue mission. Nothing. It was too dangerous and Mon Mothma ordered that no more lives were to be put at risk over this.”

I blinked, startled. Cassian had defied direct orders to get me out of there, with no idea what would be waiting for him. He hadn’t even known if I was dead or alive. To think he might have been caught and tortured to death like that Rebel spy was too much to take on top of everything else and I felt lightheaded, my stomach threatening to surge up my throat.

“You could have been killed,” I said quietly, my voice cracking on that last word.

Cassian softened, the rigid line of his shoulders went slack, and he wrapped both of his hands around mine.

“I was well aware of that, sweetheart,” he said gently. “But I couldn’t just accept that you were a lost cause. Besides,” he said, the bare edge of a teasing tone coloring his voice, “I’ve been told I like a challenge.”

I let out a shaky breath. “Not funny, Cassian. If I heard that they’d killed you when I was in there…”

“No, no, don’t think about that, okay?”

“This isn’t something to be taken lightly –“

“Neither are you,” he cut in.

He slipped a hand around my waist to draw me close, his fingers curled around the back of my neck, his thumb tucked in the hollow below my ear.

“I’ve done plenty of things for the Rebellion that I regret but leaving you behind will not be one of them. Whatever it takes, sweetheart, I will always come for you.”

Before I could say anything more, he pulled me into him and neither of us moved for the rest of the flight back to Yavin 4.

[][][]

I sat on the edge of the bed in the med bay, hands tucked in my lap as the medic finished scanning my vital signs for the hundredth time. My wrists had been bandaged and most of the toxins had been flushed from my system but there were still a few lingering pinpricks pinching along my skin every now and then.

Cassian edged into the room, standing just inside the door, his arms crossed as if he was physically keeping himself in check. As soon as we had landed on base again, it was back to the usual routine. Faking it in front of everyone else. He had crossed entire galaxies to get me out of that hellhole but once other people were present, he couldn’t cross the infinite four feet of space that separated us now.

“How is she?” he asked the medic.

“After some rest and a few proper meals,” the medic replied, “she’ll be fine.”

“Told you I got lucky,” I said.

He narrowed his eyes slightly but he said nothing. For the moment. I could tell it would definitely be a topic of contention later.

“But it’s standard procedure,” the medic continued, “to follow up situations like this with a psychological evaluation.”

“Right now?” Cassian said.

“In a few weeks.”

“So I’m free to go?” I said.

The medic nodded. I slid off the bed, gathering Cassian’s coat up and held it out to him. He shook his head.

“Keep it,” he said as he opened the door for me. He lowered his voice as I passed so only I could hear. “You’re still shaking a little.”

 _Not because I’m cold,_ I started to say. But the four guards waiting in the hallway made the words die in my throat. Cassian had ignored them when we landed and insisted on seeing me to the med bay himself but he couldn’t put off facing Mon Mothma any longer.

I watched him go as the guards crowded around him. I tugged Cassian’s coat on, pulling it tight around me. If I couldn’t have the physical comfort of touching him when I wanted to on base, wearing his coat would have to do instead, still warm from his body heat, still smelling faintly of him.

[][][]

I waited outside Mon Mothma’s quarters for two hours before Cassian finally stepped out.

“So how bad is your punishment?” I said.

He sighed. “What part do you want to hear first? Good news? Or bad news?”

“Good news.”

“Treason charges are dropped.”

“And the bad news?” I said with a wince.

“I’ll be on the ground for a few months, teaching rowdy young pilots in flight school. No flying and no active duty.”

“Sorry. That’s going to drive you crazy.”

“It’s not your fault.”

I shook my head and looked away. “What about your team?”

“I managed to convince Mon Mothma that they were following my orders. They got away with a warning.”

“But I thought you told Baze to stay…”

Cassian raised his eyebrows and my words trailed off. He knew he had been defying direct orders the second he came after me. That’s why he told Baze to stay on base. That’s why Cassian didn’t even have K2 with him on the ship. He didn’t want to incriminate or risk anyone but himself on a mission that might have been potential suicide.

“What are you doing out here anyway?” he said. “You should be resting.”

My shoulders hitched up around my ears, shrinking in on myself. I hated the idea of sitting in my room, alone, after being trapped in that tiny room on Anadeen by myself hour after hour in the dark.

Cassian softened slightly at my hesitation but as he reached towards me, Bodhi came around the corner and Cassian snatched his hand back.

“Hey,” Bodhi said. “How did it go in there?”

“My pilot privileges have been suspended for a while,” Cassian replied. “But that’s about it.”

“You took the heat for us, didn’t you?”

“I owed you that much for backing me up out there. Even though I told you not to,” he added gently.

“You would have done the same for any of us. And we all agreed to follow our captain’s example.”

Bodhi’s gaze slid sideways in my direction with a slight nod of acknowledgement.

“How are you holding up?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Tired mostly. It’s been a long day.”

He nodded. “If you ever want to talk…”

“No. Thank you, no. I don’t.”

An awkward, uneasy silence shifted between the three of us standing there in the hallway. I could feel Cassian and Bodhi watching me, as if they were just waiting for me to crack. And I was so sure, if I stood here under their unbearable scrutiny a second longer, I’d give them what they were waiting for.

“I should go,” I said.

Without waiting for a response, I hurried down the hallway, not sure where I was going, motivated only by the need to get away from everyone watching me all the time.

As much as I didn’t want to be there, I ended up in my room. It was the only place I could escape to where people didn’t eye me like the ticking time bomb that I was. I turned on all the lights to ward off the creeping darkness that shivered in the corners, clawing at the foot of my bed, just waiting to get a lick of my skin again. I pulled my knees up to my chest, buried my nose in the collar of Cassian’s coat, and tightened my grip on my blaster.

The logical part of my brain, small and struggling to be heard, told me I needed sleep. But as soon as I closed my eyes, I saw that fat syringe, saw the frigid amusement in the officer’s eyes as he pressed the metal tip into my neck.

Finally, I gave up and pushed out of my room. Before I knew it, I found myself at Cassian’s door, my hand poised just an inch away from knocking. Then I stopped. I hadn’t been careful coming here, hadn’t paid attention to make sure no one saw me. I needed to double back and check…

But the door slid open and Cassian lingered at the threshold, a little hazy with sleep, his hair ruffled, barefoot and shirtless. His eyes widened and he caught my fingers, pulling me inside before he shut the door.

“I came by your room earlier,” he said, “but you weren’t answering. I thought you were asleep.”

Why hadn’t I heard him? Or maybe I had heard him and dismissed it, thinking it wasn’t real. Again. It was exhausting, this constant merry-go-round of second guessing, not trusting my own mind.

He hesitated before he put his hand on my hip, drawing me closer. “What’s going on? It’s just us now. Talk to me.”

I dropped my gaze to the floor and drew the sleeves of Cassian’s coat over my hands.

“I don’t want to be alone,” I whispered.

A single tear rolled down my cheek before I could stop it and that was all it took. Everything I’d been keeping down over the past few days came crashing in on top of me at the same time and the whisper of a sob hitched in my throat.

“Oh, sweetheart,” Cassian said softly, brushing a lock of hair behind my ear. “You never have to be alone again.”

He carefully took my blaster away, turned on the safety, and set it aside without ever letting go of my hand. He slid his coat off of my shoulders as he eased me into bed and tugged off my boots. He curled himself around me, warm and solid and protective, his chin tucked in the curve of my neck and shoulder with a gentle, reassuring kiss.

It was only when Cassian interlaced his fingers with mine that I finally, _finally_ let myself fully believe he was real, that I was safe on base, and the nightmare was over.

And I cried myself to sleep in Cassian’s arms.

 


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning, I woke to Cassian’s arm stretched across my waist, reassuring me I wasn’t alone even while he was asleep. The tips of his fingers rested at the exposed strip of skin above my hip and his breath was soft and warm against my shoulder as he lay on his stomach next to me.

I didn’t move for a minute or two, feeling empty and thoroughly used up from last night. Cassian hadn’t said a word the whole time and he never stopped holding me. After six months of seeing each other, I hadn’t cried in front of him, especially not like that. Considering the hell I’d been through, I knew it was justified…but a small squirm of discomfort gnawed at my stomach anyway.

Cassian shifted and his arm tightened. Without looking at him, I could tell he was awake when his thumb ventured under my shirt, gliding over my ribs. I wasn’t ready to face him yet, to see the question in his eyes, gauging whether or not I would fall apart at the drop of a hat again.

“Sweetheart?” he whispered, the tiniest, most fragile sound in the stillness.

I closed my eyes and put a hand to my forehead. “I finally spend the night in your room and that’s really not how I thought things would play out.”

He released a long, slow breath and took my hand away from my forehead.

“Could you look at me for a minute, please?” he said gently.

I sighed and opened my eyes, tipping my head towards him as he propped himself up on one elbow.

“We need to talk about what happened,” he said.

I grimaced and rolled over, turning my back to him. Before I could swing my feet off the bed, he slipped an arm around my waist and pressed a kiss between my shoulder blades.

“But not right now,” he said.

I stopped and braced my hands against the edge of the bed. I swallowed once, twice, three times, struggling to stop the fresh burn of tears returning to the surface. How did I have anything left? I’d cried so hard and for so long last night, I couldn’t breathe.

I fought it down and gritted my teeth. There was no way in hell I was going to cry like that in front of Cassian, in front of anyone, ever again.

“I won’t say anything,” Cassian continued, “if you don’t want me to.”

“I just…I’d like to forget. For a while.”

His hand slid to my hip with the slightest suggestion of pressure. Not a command, not an order. A request.

“Stay as long as you need to, sweetheart,” he said quietly. “Get some more sleep.”

Protests flooded to the tip of my tongue. I wasn’t tired but my body still ached with a deep hollow echo that didn’t have anything to do with how much rest I got. For a moment, I wavered but I knew what waited for me outside this room, outside this brief bubble of peace. Prying questions, watching eyes, everyone tiptoeing around me.

And a small, wicked little voice told me there was something else I wasn’t acknowledging. When I was alone in my room, I had been wound so tight, so on edge, that I couldn’t sleep even for a second. But I’d slept the night through with Cassian. I felt safe with him. And as soon as I stepped out of this room, as soon as I left him…I’d be alone again. Alone with those memories.

I slid back under the covers and turned to face Cassian, my head tucked under his chin, my eyes screwed shut. I refused to cry. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to talk about it.

But I didn’t want to leave. Not yet. Just a few more minutes…

Heavy footsteps in the hallway made Cassian tense. Before I could say anything, he scrambled out of bed and across the room. The door slid open as he hurried out and I caught a fleeting glimpse of K2 before the door slid shut again.

“Why are you standing in the hallway in a state of undress?” K2 said.

“I was…about to come looking for you.”

“Then I will save you the trouble. I’m here to inform you that I’m not speaking to you.”

A pause of silence.

“What?” Cassian said. “Why?”

“I made myself quite clear.”

“Explain it to me anyway.”

“Though I have grown accustomed to being told to stay behind, you usually have a relatively good reason. But of late, you have not. You disappear with no explanation given and I don’t appreciate it. When you left me on base to go after _her_ I decided it was the last straw.”

“K-Two,” Cassian groaned.

“I don’t have any straws, you understand. I find metaphors to be nonsense but the basic premise remains. I’m not speaking to you.”

“We’ve been through this already.”

“Your answer is unsatisfactory with incredibly poor logic. You hardly know her. How can you feel responsible for her when she gets caught?”

“Because she’s one of ours,” Cassian hissed with impatience.

Of all the responses he could have given, that wasn’t the one I wanted to hear. I should have been relieved, grateful that I always had the force of the Rebellion at my back. But a blaze of irritation swept through my veins instead and I shoved the sheets aside.

The Rebellion had left me on that Imperial planet, a prisoner of war, presumed dead. Cassian was the one who fished me out. He risked his career, his life, to keep me alive and it didn’t have anything to do with the Rebellion. If I was simply another cog in the war machine, then I was expendable, easily replaced, and Cassian never would have come for me.

The rest of the conversation was too low and too brief for me to hear, but after another minute, K2’s footsteps clunked off. The door slid open and Cassian stepped inside, running his hands through his hair with a sigh.

I tugged on my boots, my irritation growing by the second. All this sneaking around, hiding, it seemed so…petty now. Small and insignificant. Risking our lives every minute of the day and yet no one could know the tiny detail that I kissed him once in a while. It was ridiculous.

“He’s right, you know,” I said, focusing every ounce of my attention on lacing up boots so I didn’t have to look at him.

“About what?”

“It’s not logical to put your life on the line for one person.”

“It’s logical to me when that person is you.”

I yanked on my laces until they dug into my fingers with angry red welts.

“Two seconds ago, you were saying that I was another part of the Rebellion and nothing more.”

“I was talking to K-Two.”

“So it doesn’t count?”

“That’s not…wait. Do you think that’s why I wanted to get you out of there? Because the Rebellion is all I care about?”

I tied off my boots and stood, the few short steps of space between us sizzling with tension.

“Why didn’t you just tell him the truth, Cassian?” I said, spreading my hands.

Cassian hesitated. I waited, silently pleading with him to say something, anything. But the longer he didn’t answer, the more frustrated I became until I turned away and retrieved my blaster from the bedside table.

“I will tell him, sweetheart,” he said finally, softly.

I looked down, fiddling with the blaster. “Just not right now,” I said, my voice rough and dry. “Because you need more time.”

Cassian inched closer, his hand creeping towards mine. I squared my shoulders, facing him head on and clearly not in the mood to be comforted. He stopped, cautious, barely listing towards me on his toes. Every time a disagreement came across our path, Cassian always smoothed things over with a careful touch or a gentle word.

But I didn’t want him to touch me now. Even after holding me all night long while I fell apart, even after hunting me down on an Imperial planet, he still kept me at a distance when other people were present. And I wasn’t ready for the sting that realization carried with it.

Cassian blew out a breath and scrubbed a hand over his face. “Yes,” he rasped. “A little while longer. But I promise, that’s all.”

I shook my head and tucked my blaster in my holster. “I should go,” I said. “Before anyone else comes looking for you.”

I waited for Cassian to move away from the door but he didn’t. I started to push past him when he reached out and caught my arm.

“My door will always be open,” he said, “if you’d like to spend the night again –“

“That won’t be necessary,” I said, an automatic knee-jerk reaction, fired off by the heat of frustration.

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I was horrified at myself for speaking so quickly without a second thought. But my horror melted and solidified into cool certainty after only a second or two. Cassian was the one who wanted to keep this distance, this separation. He readily supported me, comforted me, just as long as no one else was around to see him do it.

Well I could keep my distance too. I could remain separate, if that’s what he wanted.

[][][]

It wasn’t hard to avoid Cassian. Now that he was teaching flight school, he had even more to do and I didn’t see him for three days straight.

But I didn’t sleep at all either.

Every night, Cassian knocked at my door and I didn’t answer. The pleading note still lingered in his voice, telling me he didn’t want anyone to see him standing outside my quarters in the middle of the night, waiting to be let in. And I refused to dance to this old tune anymore.

Once he was gone, the shifting, hungry shadows shuffled a little closer and the ugly, twisted memories tucked themselves into the sheets with me, cold hands slithering down my spine and clawing at my lungs. Every single time I heard Cassian leave, I fought down the urge to open the door after all.

But this was my choice and I’d stick it out, no matter how terrifying it was. Because it itched when Cassian saw me fighting for scraps of sanity. Because it burned when he saw me at my worst only to have him pull away in the presence of other people as if he’d done something wrong.

By the end of the week, I was exhausted but I had a rhythm, worn and familiar with repetition. The advantage of getting no sleep was the ability to leave my room before anyone, even Cassian, could come by in the morning to see how I was doing. I was confined to base until my evaluation approved me for off world activity, but I found I could just as easily lose myself in a dozen tiny tasks that kept me preoccupied and out of Cassian’s line of sight. The busier I was, the less I had to think.

As my sleep-deprivation grew worse, I felt myself growing even more on edge. The slightest noises made me jump, my hand going to my blaster right away before I relaxed. I dozed off here and there, only to get startled awake when the memory of the Imperial officer’s cold eyes were staring at me, waiting for the moment my guard slipped and sleep crept in.

But I couldn’t avoid Cassian forever. On my way to the mess hall for lunch, I came around a corner and spotted Cassian at the end of the corridor, heading in my direction. I doubled back, praying he hadn’t seen me. I could skip lunch. I wasn’t that hungry anyway.

Before I could put enough distance between us, Cassian’s hand clamped around my arm and he guided me into a droid repair room.

“What the hell is going on with you?” he demanded as soon as the door closed.

“You’ll have to be a bit more specific than that.”

“I thought you needed space, maybe to sort things through or cool down. But now you’re actively avoiding me and shutting me out.”

I yanked my arm away from him. “Don’t you dare pin that bullshit on me. You’re the one who practically ran away when K-Two showed up to your room, like you were guilty.”

“You were upset! He has no tact and I didn’t want him to say something that might make you feel worse.”

“He wasn’t the one you should be worried about.”

Cassian raised his eyebrows, startled. “What did I say?”

“It’s what you didn’t say that’s the problem.”

He sighed with the hint of a growl rustling beneath it.

“Sweetheart, I – “

“I know, Cassian. You need time. And I’m giving it to you.”

“No, you’re not. You’re pushing me away for…” He gestured helplessly. “…whatever reason.”

“Because I don’t want you babysitting me.”

Cassian reared back, baffled. “ _What?_ Where the hell did that come from? I’m not babysitting you.”

“Sure feels that way. You told K-Two that you feel responsible for me, like I’m some child you have to keep an eye on in case I get into trouble.”

“Stop, right now,” Cassian said, short and sharp. “You were _tortured_ , sweetheart. Anyone would have a hard time adjusting to that. I’m trying to help because I’m concerned.”

“Well maybe I don’t want help. From anyone. Maybe I want to face this thing on my own.”

The tension in his body melted slightly. “You’ve already faced enough of this on your own.”

He took a step towards me, his hand drifting towards mine. He hesitated an inch away, watching, waiting to see how I would react, before his fingers tucked into my palm and splayed out, curling over my hand with comforting warmth.

“You haven’t been sleeping, have you?” he said quietly.

I squeezed my eyes shut and ducked my head. “It’s less than a week until my evaluation, Cassian,” I said, my words quivering with exhaustion. “I have to go in alone. You can’t be there. I just want everything to be normal again and I’m…I’m still a mess.”

“That’s what all this has been about? Or is it because I wouldn’t tell K-Two about us?”

“Both,” I whispered.

I was slipping. As soon as I let him touch me, my resentment had crumbled, dissolved in an instant. But this wasn’t a solution, I was simply…allowing him to win for a while because I was too tired to fight it.

Cassian cupped my cheek and tilted my head up to look at him. “People on base are nosy when it comes to relationships,” he said. “They gossip and tease. And I’ve always been private when it comes to my personal life. That’s why I didn’t tell K-Two about you. That’s why I haven’t told anyone, all right?”

“I can handle a little teasing, Cassian.”

“I’m sure you can. But I’m the one who won’t have any tolerance for it.”

He leaned in to kiss my forehead and I shifted towards him out of habit. My hand came up then I drew back, struggling to maintain that last shred of distance I had so carefully, so painstakingly built up over the past few days. But my hand crept up again anyway, sliding inside his jacket and curling into his shirt.

“Will you stay with me tonight?” he said softly.

“No.”

He blew out a breath, annoyed. “Why not?”

“You can’t be with me every second of the day and I have to get used to that.”

“One night won’t – “

“It’s still a no.”

He sighed. “If that’s what you want. But if you change your mind, I’ll be right here.”

[][][]

_Two Stormtroopers stood on either side of Cassian as blood dripped down the front of his jacket, pooling on the floor in a rose red blossom. The Imperial officer’s fingers were clamped into the back of my neck, forcing me to take all of it in, every gory detail, as Cassian slowly sank to his knees, too weak to hold himself up._

_“Kill him,” the officer said._

I sat bolt upright in bed, sucking in giant lungfuls of air, the sheets twisted and crumpled tight in my fists. A minute dragged by, then another, and another, but I still couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think.

Was it real? Had the truth been too traumatizing to admit so I remembered that Rebel spy as a blank, unknown face? Did they kill Cassian and I had simply refused to believe it for all this time?

A small, strangled noise wormed its way up my throat as I scrambled off the bed. Out of my room. Down the corridor. The floor was icy cold against my bare feet as I hurried past the shadows writhing along the walls. Distantly, I was aware of passing people, one or two here and there, but I didn’t register their faces or if they spoke to me.

I didn’t even slow down at Cassian’s door, didn’t hesitate and double check to make sure no one was looking. The door slid open – unlocked, just as he promised it would be – and I darted into his room before I finally slid to a stop. He lay on his back, one arm across his eyes, the other dangling over the side of the bed…but I still couldn’t tell if he was breathing or not.

I tiptoed closer and knelt beside him, staring at his chest, waiting, pleading. He took in a breath and I bowed my head, muffling a small noise of relief. Before I could stop myself, my hand came to rest in the middle of his chest, searching for his heart beat.

In a flash, he caught my hand, twisting my wrist until the bone strained and felt ready to snap. His other hand latched onto my throat, holding me back.

“It’s me, Cassian,” I hiccupped in surprise. “It’s just me.”

Immediately, Cassian let go. Then he caught my hand again, lightly this time, despite the firm pressure of concern in his grip.

“ _Jesus_ , sweetheart,” he gasped. “I could have hurt you. What’s wrong?”

I tried not to cry, I didn’t want to, but it was already happening, my voice wet with tears, shaky with panic.

“I thought that officer…I thought he killed you.”

I covered my mouth with one hand to smother the sob that bubbled up. Cassian slid to the floor next to me, brushing my hair away from my face.

“No, hey, I’m right here,” he said as he took my hand and kissed my palm. “See? Alive and well.”

The words kept coming, tripping on my stuttering, shallow breath.

“You were bleeding. They beat you. They beat you so, so badly. You couldn’t…couldn’t even stand on your own.”

“Look at me, sweetheart, look at me.”

I raised my gaze to his and he smiled slightly.

“That’s better,” he said. “It was a nightmare, that’s all. You’re on Yavin Four, with me in my quarters. The Empire can’t get to us here.”

I nodded but the fear still slithered in my muscles and shivered in my veins. I sank into him as he shifted to lean against the bed, pressing a kiss to the top of my head, his hand smoothing down my back.

“I hate this,” I whispered, the words so tiny and frighteningly vulnerable, tucked against his shoulder.

“Trying to force your way through it isn’t working, sweetheart. It’s not good for you.”

I grunted and buried my face deeper into his shoulder.

“I know you don’t want to,” he continued, “but I think you should talk to someone about it. Whether that’s me or someone else, it doesn’t matter. Just someone.”

I pulled back, swiping my hands over my cheeks. “You never talk about anything. You always push it down until you let it out in little bursts of aggression when you’re on an assignment.”

He raised an eyebrow. “I talk to you about things.”

I huffed a dry laugh. “No you don’t. You’ve always kept me separate. When you’re with me, you don’t talk about work. And when you’re at work, you don’t talk about me.”

“That’s not fair,” he said gently.

“But it’s still true.”

He reached out and brushed his thumb over my chin. “Could you at least try? Just once?”

I looked away, pulling my knees up to my chest. He edged closer and kissed my shoulder.

“Bodhi went through a rough time,” he said. “After Scarif. He didn’t want to talk about it either until he finally caved and told Jyn everything. He said it helped. Even a little. Maybe he’d understand what you’re going through.”

“Maybe.”

I felt him smile against my shoulder before he nosed at my ear. “Please?”

“I said maybe. Buttering me up isn’t going to get you any further.”

He slid an arm around my shoulder, placed his hand to the side of my head and drew me close without another word. He smoothed his hand over my hair with a steady, even rhythm and I slipped a little further to the floor until my head was in his lap, his arm draped over my waist.

Just as sleep slid over me, soft and welcome as silk with no nightmares on the horizon, Cassian’s comlink buzzed to life with Bodhi’s voice.

“Cassian,” he said, “we’re needed on a rush assignment.”

Cassian startled awake and patted around on his bedside table before he found his comlink.

“Why are you telling me this?” he said. “I have no flight privileges.”

“There’s been an exception. A team got stranded in unfriendly territory on Felucia.”

I sat up and Cassian cast a sideways glance at me. I knew that planet like the back of my hand but it didn’t sound like I was getting the call.

“Anyone else on the assignment?” Cassian asked.

“Just Rogue One.”

Cassian sucked in a hissing breath through his teeth and closed his eyes.

“Go,” I said.

“I’ll fix this,” he said, getting to his feet and grabbing his jacket.

“No you won’t. I’m being kept on base for a reason, Cassian. I completely lost it a few minutes ago. I can’t be out there.”

He stopped and rubbed at his forehead with a sigh.

“You need to go,” I said.

He wavered where he stood, pulled in one direction by duty, pulled in another direction by me. The Rebellion was always going to be pulling us in different directions, especially if I didn’t get my head on straight and soon.

“Go,” I repeated, more insistent this time with a light shove.

Cassian took my hand and pulled me to him with a lingering kiss. “Stay in my room tonight,” he said.

“You won’t be here.”

“Maybe it’ll help anyway. I’ll be back as soon as I can. I promise.”

He drew back, looking me in the eye, waiting, until I finally nodded. He gave my hand one final squeeze before he left.

I turned on all the lights and slid into his bed, his body heat still barely clinging to the sheets, and I wrapped my arms around his pillow. A thread of doubt wormed its way into my mind and I couldn’t help it. I tugged.

I tugged and tugged, even though I knew I shouldn’t, even though that small, innocent little thread unraveled into a wild tangle of thoughts.

I couldn’t keep up with Cassian anymore. One day he would have to leave me behind, whether he liked it or not.

[][][]

Cassian didn’t return to base for two days and I didn’t sleep. Again. Either in his room or mine. And before I knew it, the morning of my evaluation had arrived. I had to face this whether Cassian was here or not.

I opened my door and stopped dead in my tracks. The Imperial officer from Anadeen stood before me, polished black boots, crisp uniform, and a syringe uncapped and ready in his hand.

Before I could think about it, I drew my blaster and fired. He dropped, hit the floor flat on his back…

“You shot me!”

Chirrut’s voice snapped me back to reality as he lay on the floor, one hand clamped to his shoulder.

“Easy, little sister.”

I turned to see Baze edging towards me down the hallway like I was a wild animal. His gaze remained focused on the blaster in my trembling hand.

“I thought you were off world on assignment,” I said, my voice high pitched and jumpy as I tried to sort out what was real and what wasn’t.

“Got back this morning,” Baze said, never taking his eyes away from the gun.

I held the blaster away from me, warm muzzle burning in my palm, the handle extended towards Baze. He took it with a nod.

I kneeled beside Chirrut. “I am…so, so sorry. I could have sworn…”

“It’s all right,” he said. “It’s just a scratch.”

“It’s not okay. Not even a little bit.”

“Yes it is. I came to wish you good luck on your evaluation today but clearly, you don’t need it if you can shoot like that.”

“Chirrut…”

He took my hand in a reassuring grip and hauled himself to his feet. “You’re going to be late.”

“I’ll see you to the med bay first.”

“No you won’t. Baze will wait on me hand and foot. That will be more than enough.”

He held out his hand, waiting, and Baze slid in next to him with a grunt of acknowledgement. I watched them go, a sickening mixture of guilt and dread boiling in my stomach. What if my aim had been straight and I’d hit his heart? I could have killed him.

Then a second thought hurtled into me and knocked the air clean out of lungs.

What if Cassian had been the one at my door and I’d shot him instead?

[][][]

As I made my way to the evaluation room, I willed myself to stop shaking, to stop the horrific replay of seeing Chirrut on the floor with a hole in his shoulder that I had put there. But when I stepped into the evaluation room, the shaking only grew worse until my teeth were chattering.

It was Anadeen all over again. A small, gray room with a barren steel table in the center. My breath hitched in my throat as memories reared up. Phantom chains bit into my bandaged wrists. The translucent image of the Imperial officer – so fresh in my memory from this morning’s disaster – stood at the door, rigid and unfeeling. My muscles tightened and my skin prickled with the need to escape, to get out of this room that looked so much like that Imperial prison...

I flinched as the door opened. Mon Mothma slid into the chair across from me instead of the psychologist who was supposed to administer the evaluation. A rush of cold settled over me followed by a surge of heat.

“You’re not supposed to be here,” I whispered.

“No I’m not. But I heard about what happened this morning.”

I said nothing, my fingers curling into fists in my lap as I fought to stay composed.

“It was an accident,” I said. “He startled me.”

Mon Mothma hummed with a nod. “Regardless, for the time being, I’ve decided an evaluation won’t be necessary.”

A brief dart of hope shot through my chest then tangled with a shadow of dread.

“You mean it won’t be necessary because you already know what the outcome will be.”

Her lips tightened a fraction of an inch in silence but that was all the answer I needed. I turned my head towards the door, sheer willpower the only reason I was still in my seat and I didn’t make a run for it like I wanted to.

“There’s something you need to know,” Mon Mothma said.

“What?” I whispered, still staring at the door. I could leave. I was done anyway. The moment I shot Chirrut, I knew I wouldn’t be approved for active off world duty.

“Your actions on Anadeen,” Mon Mothma said, “saved many lives.”

I finally faced her with a frown of confusion. “That Rebel spy died. I didn’t deliver the information like you asked me to. I failed on every front. I didn’t save anyone.”

“The holodisc contained an entire list of Rebel spies in the Imperial army. Because of your quick thinking, you kept it out of enemy hands. For that reason alone, for what you went through to destroy that information and keep it safe, I’d like to extend a special offer to you.”

I eyed her, wary. “I’m listening.”

“For twelve months, you will attend mandatory sessions with a counselor several times a week to discuss your experience on Anadeen. You will have no active duty off world and you will have no weapons in your possession. After those twelve months, we will return to the question of your evaluation and if you pass, you may continue to serve here on Yavin Four, or any Rebel base of your choice.”

I dropped my gaze to my lap, studying my hands. Twelve months of no fighting, no war, just watching others leave to fight in my place.

“There’s a second option,” Mon Mothma said. “If you’d like to hear it.”

I looked up, waiting.

“I can grant you an honorable discharge,” she continued. “A pilot would be waiting on the landing pad for you in three hours to take you anywhere in the galaxy you wish to go. You would never have to return to base or this war ever again.”

I knew what I would choose. I knew because I couldn’t keep doing this anymore.

[][][]

Cassian found me in the gym an hour later as I pounded on a bag with bare knuckles. My few possessions were packed and ready to go and there wasn’t anything else to do except wait which was driving me crazy. So I was here to pass the time. The fiery ache in my muscles felt good, distracting me from the mess of my mind, from Chirrut, from leaving Yavin 4, from…everything.

I had hoped to avoid everyone, including Cassian… _especially_ Cassian…before I left. I didn’t know how to explain my decision in a way that would make him understand, let alone agree. I knew he wouldn’t like it and he’d fight me on it but it wasn’t his choice to make. It was mine.

“How did it go in there?” he asked softly with a light touch to my elbow.

Voices on the other side of the gym caused him to retreat. And it made me pound on the bag harder as pain jolted up my sore arms. The voices faded and I caught him out of the corner of my eye as he watched me.

“I heard about the accident this morning,” he said.

I said nothing, driving my fists harder and harder into the bag.

“Chirrut’s going to be fine. Baze isn’t even grumpy about it. He says he should thank you for shooting Chirrut when he’s wanted to do it for so long.”

It was meant as a joke, a bit of humor to ease the guilt and the tension of what could have been a fatal mistake. But it only raised a fresh lick of heat in my veins.

“Sweetheart, stop,” Cassian said, firm but quiet as his light touch at my elbow turned into a grip that left no room for debate. “What have you done to your hands?”

He took my wrists, turning my hands over to survey my bloodied knuckles.

I pulled away. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t,” he said, voice pitched low in a growl. “Don’t shut me out again. What happened in there?”

My shoulder hitched up and my gaze shifted to the floor. “I’m done.”

“What?”

“I said I’m done, Cassian. I’ve been discharged.”

He didn’t need to know that I had been given options. He didn’t need to know that I chose to leave because if I told him, he would be relentless and he’d never let me go.

Cassian swore under his breath and he started to pull me towards him but I shied back. He let his hand drop with a sigh.

“We’ll figure something out,” he said.

“You don’t get it, do you? I have to leave. Not you.”

“So I’ll pull a few strings and go with you.”

“Won’t that look a little suspicious? You’re so careful around here not to be seen with me in case people suddenly get the wrong idea. But you’re ready to follow me wherever I go? I doubt that’ll work.”

“Hey, hold on a minute –“

“You’re needed here, Cassian. I’m not.”

A wary shadow passed across his eyes as he finally started to piece things together.

“Sweetheart,” he said, cautiously. “What are you saying?”

“I don’t want you to come with me, Cassian,” I said, despite how it gagged in my throat, raw and sour.

“Why?” he said softly.

 _Because I’m slowing you down,_ I thought. _Because the Rebellion needs you, the Rebellion will always need you, and I’m falling behind. Because you nearly got yourself killed to rescue me and I can’t stop thinking about it every single minute of the day._

But I didn’t say any of those things. Instead, I went for the cruel, low blow. I had to hurt him. I had to make him stay away from me. Words simmered on my tongue, spinning and swirling into a hellish fireball of scorching damage. I had to make sure he didn’t come for me this time.

“This isn’t working,” I whispered on a trembling breath.

Cassian went still. “You mean…”

“Us.”

“Sweetheart…” he said, stepping towards me.

“Don’t, please. Don’t call me that anymore.”

“Just help me understand. Give me a chance to make it right.”

I rubbed at my battered knuckles. It was easier to look at the pain I had inflicted on myself rather than the pain I was inflicting on him.

“We’re past that now,” I mumbled.

“Tell me anyway.”

I bit back a growl of frustration. I knew he wouldn’t give up easily but I hadn’t been prepared for how hard he latched on and refused to let go. I didn’t want to hurt him more than I already had. But it looked like I had to really make him bleed in order to loosen his grip on me.

“I can’t be with someone,” I said, “who acts like it’s a crime to spend time with me. I’m tired of hiding in closets. I’m tired of not being able to say good-bye when one of us is on assignment, even though it could be the last time we ever see each other. Just because of what people might say? No. I can’t…I can’t live like that.”

“Then I’ll tell the team. I’ll tell the whole base if that’s what you want.”

I looked him right in the eye and for a moment, there was a roaring in my ears. A tiny voice in the back of my mind screamed to stop this searing path of destruction.  

“I’m done, Cassian,” I whispered.

He turned his back to me, his shoulders rigid as he ran his hands through his hair. He turned to face me again and took a step closer, ignoring the way I shifted away from him.

“We can work this out,” he said. “We can fix this. I promise.”

“No we can’t,” I said, my voice rough as I barely managed to hold onto my composure, shattering right there in my hands. “I don’t want to.”

Cassian didn’t move, didn’t breathe. I didn’t dare look at him, knowing full well he would see how I struggled to keep from crying. Again.

“You’ve already made up your mind then,” he said. Quiet. Broken.

I bit my lip and squeezed my eyes shut, quickly turning away.

“Yes,” I said. “I have.”

Before he could say anything else, I walked out as fast as I could. I grabbed my bag from my room and hurried to the landing pad. My pilot wasn’t due for another hour but I couldn’t wait in my room where it would be all too easy for Cassian to find me. Being held as a prisoner of war on Anadeen had been hard, excruciating, but leaving Cassian was a different kind of pain I never knew existed. It felt as if my rib cage had been cracked open and hollowed out, my lungs stripped clean, and my heart flayed raw.

When I showed up at the landing pad, the ship Mon Mothma had promised was already waiting, engine rumbling low and ready for takeoff. The door opened…and Bodhi stepped out.

I stuttered to a stop. “You’re the pilot who was assigned to me?”

He shrugged. “No, but I might have overheard you were leaving and made a deal to switch things up a little.”

“That’s really not – “

“I’d like to. Please. I know we don’t know each other all that well but…it’s been an honor working with you.”

I sighed and glanced over my shoulder. Cassian hadn’t made any attempts to stop me and it felt strange. It was only a matter of time before he appeared, hell bent on getting me to stay.

“All right,” I said. “Let’s go.”

“Where to?”

“Rishi.”

“A person could disappear there. Never be seen or heard from again.”

I nodded and didn’t reply. I wouldn’t be on Rishi long. As soon as I touched down on the ground, I’d find another ship to take me to another planet, and I would keep jumping, losing myself in the galaxy until there was no way anyone would ever be able to find me again.

On the few assignments I’d had with Rogue One, I’d come to realize that Bodhi didn’t talk much and I was grateful for it now on the flight to Rishi. I couldn’t maintain any kind of decent conversation with Cassian’s voice running over and over in my head and the look on his face permanently burned into my mind as he realized what I was saying to him, that I was leaving not just Yavin 4, not just the war, but I was leaving him. More memories to haunt me and rob me of my sleep.

Bodhi guided the ship to land light as a feather and I was already heading to the door when he stood.

“You’re stronger than you realize, you know,” he said softly.

I stopped, bowed my head. “What do you mean?”

“None of this…this war, this life…it’s not easy. Some of us don’t handle it as well as…others.”

I glanced back at him but I couldn’t say the name floating up in my mind, the name that had never left my mind in the first place.

“Like Baze,” Bodhi continued. “Or Jyn. Or Cassian.”

I closed my eyes and blew out a shuddering breath at hearing his name said aloud.

“They keep going,” he said. “And it seems as if they’re unstoppable while the rest of us just…stumble along. Trying our best.”

“But sometimes our best isn’t good enough, is it?” I whispered.

“You’re still alive,” Bodhi said gently. “It’s good enough.”

I bit the inside of my cheek and held his gaze for a trembling second before I looked down at the floor, my muscles tightening in preparation to run away. Bodhi hesitated then stepped closer and so very, very carefully hugged me. I wrapped my arms around him, my eyes shut tight, melting into the contact after the wreck of chaos within the last few hours.

“You’re brave to get through what you did,” Bodhi said.

“I don’t feel brave.”

“I’ve been told that’s the point but I’m still waiting for it to make sense.”

I managed a small, shaky laugh and pulled back.

“There’s always a place for you on base,” he said. “If you change your mind.”

“Thank you. But I think it’s better this way.”

He nodded and opened the door for me. I jumped down, swallowed by the swirling crowds on Rishi, the traders, smugglers, pirates, soldiers. And I disappeared.

[][][]

I didn’t see Cassian again for a year and seventeen days.

It wasn’t easy but it wasn’t exactly hard either. The first week or two was a living hell. I ate only when my body threatened to give out on me. I slept only when I dropped from exhaustion and even then, only for a few precious minutes here and there before I was up and moving again. I survived off of odd jobs, mostly repairing droids because everyone needed a droid repaired at some point or another. It kept my mind busy, kept money in my pocket, kept me moving further and further away from Yavin 4.

When I saw him, I didn’t believe it at first. I was in a Bespin market, crammed into the tangle of streets and vendor stalls elbow to elbow with humans and aliens alike. I shook my head, turning away, certain that I’d imagined him.

But I couldn’t help a quick glance over my shoulder. And he was still there, alive and very real. I froze where I stood, watching him across the marketplace. He stopped at a stall, leaning closer to discuss something with a Mon Calamari vendor.

My heart stumbled at seeing him again. He was so close, only three stalls down…and that familiar ache of want blossomed to life in the pit of my stomach. Would it ever go away?

Then another thought snapped to my attention with a spark of panic.

Was he looking for me?

I couldn’t let him find me. After over a year of distance, distracting myself from him, I couldn’t take it if he tried to convince me to come back.

The thought vanished as I watched the vendor’s hand slide under the counter of his booth and he pulled out a blaster pistol. Whatever Cassian was wrapped up in, it was about to head south in a minute…

I started walking in the other direction. Cassian wasn’t in my life anymore. I couldn’t interfere.

The short, clipped exchange of blaster fire made me stop dead in my tracks and without a moment of hesitation, I turned back. I had no gun to provide cover fire. Ever since I shot Chirrut, I hadn’t touched another weapon but it didn’t slow me down as I ran straight for Cassian.

But I couldn’t get to him fast enough. With a chill of terror, I saw him fall, saw him hit the ground and scramble behind a stack of crates. I caught a glimpse of the Mon Calamari vendor, hunched over, blood spilling between his fingers as he clutched his shoulder before he was swallowed by the chaos of the scattering crowd.

I dropped to my knees next to Cassian, checking him over. A thick red burn had seared his skin wide open and without a second thought, without realizing that I would be touching him again after an entire year of distance, I clamped my hand to the wound, hot, slick blood leaking through my fingers.

Cassian caught my elbow. “Sweetheart, you’re – “ He broke off, his gaze darting back and forth over my face. “I’ve been looking _everywhere_ for you.”

“I told you not to call me that,” I said. “And I’m only here because you got yourself shot. What the hell happened?”

“I might have made a few enemies trying to find you, pushing a little –“ He shifted with a  wince. “Pushing a little too hard on the wrong person somewhere along the way, I guess. Some people don’t take to it too well when you start asking questions they don’t want to answer.”

“Cassian,” I growled in disapproval.

He managed a small, rough laugh. “I told you. Whatever it takes – “

He broke off and gritted his teeth. His fingers were digging into my elbow hard enough to leave bruises and the color was draining from his face by the minute. I pried his hand away from me and pressed it to his side.

“Keep pressure on that,” I said. “Is anyone else with you?”

“K-Two’s waiting at the ship.”

“Where?”

He nodded to the east. “Four streets over.”

I hauled him to his feet and he swayed for a moment. As soon as he righted himself, I let go, all too aware of how dangerous it was to feel so comfortable touching him, even if he was injured. I pushed through the crowd with Cassian trailing further and further behind. After a minute or two, his footsteps stopped completely and I glanced back to find him braced against the wall of a building, his eyes screwed shut on a grimace. I swore under my breath and doubled back.

For a split second, I hesitated. I’d already touched him but that was different. That was the heat of the moment, an automatic reaction to the sight of an emergency. This was voluntarily touching him, taking pity on him, letting old wounds grow tender again from missing him. Then I sucked in a breath and forced myself to slip my hand into the crook of his elbow.

“That’s what you get for being so stubborn,” I said.

I meant for my words to have a cruel bite to them but they just came out quiet with concern. He said nothing as he leaned into me for support, walking slowly and carefully all the way to his ship.

“K-Two,” I called, pounding on the ship. “Open up!”

The door slid aside and I pushed past K2 as Cassian dropped into a passenger seat. He was already too soft around the edges, his eyes hazy and unfocused as he faded towards unconsciousness.

“What did you do?” K2 demanded.

“It wasn’t my fault. He got shot and he’ll bleed out if you don’t patch him up fast.”

K2 glanced down at Cassian and shook his head. “That is already happening. He needs medical attention.”

“No shit, K-Two. I know you have medkits on board.”

I retrieved the spare medkit from behind the co-pilot’s seat where I knew Cassian kept it and crouched next to him, pulling out bacta patches by the handful.

“A medkit,” K2 said, hovering over my shoulder, “will not be sufficient means to stop the heavy bleeding.”

I hissed through my teeth and turned to the door, itching to make a run for it. I should have kept walking. I never should have gone back for him. It felt like I was plummeting in quicksand, getting sucked in deeper and deeper and I couldn’t stop.

Cassian’s eyes drifted closed and his chin drooped towards his chest. My heart stuttered against my ribs with the frantic tempo of panic.

“Get back to base, K-Two,” I said. “Now.”

I pressed one hand to Cassian’s side, willing his life’s blood to stop pouring out of him like water. I tipped his head up with my other hand and his gaze slowly tracked up to my face.

“Stay awake, Cassian,” I said. “Please, stay awake.”

He caught the sleeve of my shirt with two fingers. “Right…here, sweetheart.”

I closed my eyes and shook my head. Over a year and a galaxy of distance between us and I still worried about him. I guess that was never going to change.

[][][]

Hours melted into each other as I paced outside the med bay until a medic finally reported that Cassian would be fine. All he needed was rest and to take it easy. I knew I should have made a run for it then. He wouldn’t be able to follow me while he was unconscious, but I could still feel the pulse of his blood beneath my hands and I wasn’t going to get that memory out of my head until I saw for myself that he was okay.

So I was given a spare room for the night and I would leave in the morning. A year later and I was right back where I started, staring at the ceiling of a tiny room on Yavin 4, nowhere near sleep….

A heavy knock on my door made me sit up. I opened the door to find Cassian sagging against the wall.

He let out a breath of relief. “I thought you would have taken off by now.”

“I should have. What are you doing out of the med bay?”

“Does this mean you changed your mind?”

I huffed and began to turn away when he caught my wrist.

“Wait,” he said. “Sweetheart, it’s…”

Exasperation and annoyance sprang to the surface and I pulled back. “Why do you keep calling me that? I’ve asked you more than once to stop but you won’t.”

“No,” he said simply. “And I never will.”

“Why?”

“Your eyes light up every time I say it. Even when you’re mad at me, like you are now.”

My breath hitched in my throat and I couldn’t think of a single protest to fight back with. Slowly, carefully, Cassian hooked his little finger around mine. I closed my eyes and let out a shaky breath.

“Don’t,” I said, but my voice trembled too much until it cracked and the protest faded into nothing.

His fingers trailed up my arm, leaving a wave of goosebumps behind as his hand skimmed over my shoulder, along the curve of my neck. He shifted even closer, if that was possible, as his thumb traced my jawline and his palm settled against my cheek. He brushed his nose against mine and I knew, without looking at him, that all I had to do was raise my chin half an inch and I could kiss him. A year later and I still craved just one little kiss…

“Please stay,” he breathed, a soft, soft secret against my mouth.

“Stop, Cassian, don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

He slipped an arm around my waist and kissed me, achingly slow and long and deep. It wasn’t teasing like that day in the supply closet, before Anadeen, before everything went to hell. This was a silent request, delicate and fragile.

And my better judgement fell to pieces all around me. I caught his face in my hands and opened my mouth to him, kissing him in return through the salty taste of tears, first on my lips then on his. I broke away just far enough to catch a breath but even that tiny distance was too much now after a year of countless miles. I wrapped my fingers around the back of his neck, pulling him to me with a kiss like I was drowning and I’d never taste the air again.

“I missed you,” I whispered. “I missed you so…so much.”

I couldn’t stop saying it, couldn’t stop kissing him, over and over like a chant until the words and the kisses and the tears all ran together at once. The more I said it, the more my voice trembled, the saltier each kiss became.

This wasn’t the answer. It would only confuse things even worse and make it that much more difficult when I had to leave again. Cassian belonged to the Rebellion and I didn’t.

Even though I knew better, even though it would only hurt more, I tugged on a fistful of his shirt, pulling him closer. He tipped off balance and stumbled into me. He threw out a hand to catch himself against the doorjamb and sucked in a sharp breath at the movement with a wince.

“You shouldn’t hurt yourself any further,” I said quietly.

Cassian shook his head and took my hand with a kiss to my palm. “An entire year of searching too many planets to count and I’ve finally found you. A little soreness is worth it, sweetheart.”

That word. I closed my eyes and swayed towards him. “You’re right,” I said softly.

“About…?”

“I love it when you call me that.”

He kissed me through his smile, a hint of teasing creeping in as he nipped at my bottom lip. I finally managed to plant a hand against his chest and pushed him back, keeping him at arm’s length.

“No,” I said.

“But you just said…”

I kept pushing until he backed up and his heels hit the bed. As I coaxed him down to the pillows, he always had a hand on me, at my hip, my waist, my shoulder, my neck, buried in my hair, as if the moment he wasn’t touching me, I would be gone. His hands slipped under my shirt and he broke away just long enough to pull it over my head before his hands were on my skin again with feather-light kisses trailing in the wake of his fingertips.

My lips traced down his throat, unbuttoning his shirt as I went, not quite kissing him, just taking him in every way I could, with my hands, my lips, my fingers, after being denied even the smallest touch for so long. I laid a hand over the bandage at his side and felt him seize slightly. My gaze darted up to his face but there was no tension there, only steady, unwavering want.

I kissed down his chest and unzipped his fly, his cock curved hot and hard against his stomach to match my own aching need. I passed over his cock and kissed the hollow of his hip instead. He arched upwards, searching for friction, for touch, for anything, just _more_.

But I retreated and pushed him down again as gently as I could. He pressed his head back against the pillows with frustration.

“An entire year,” I said, “of searching too many planets to count. It’s about time you didn’t move for once.”

I kicked off my boots and my pants before I climbed over him again. His hands settled on my hips and he couldn’t help sitting up as far as he could for a brief kiss.

I never looked away as I slowly eased myself down the full length of him with a whimper as I felt every single inch slide into me. _Finally_. No more distance. I was as close to him as I could possibly get.

Cassian shifted beneath me, sliding a little further down the bed to seal his mouth to my neck at the same time his hips canted upwards at a new angle to push even deeper into me. My fingers tightened in his hair on a gasp.

The burning instinct to run faded and I was lost to his touch, to the taste of each kiss, to the pulse of his heart beneath my palms and the smooth warmth of his skin. Every little detail of his presence I had craved day after day, no matter how hard I wanted to ignore it.

I tried to be gentle and slow but with every roll of my hips, Cassian kissed me harder, hungrier, his fingernails biting into my ribs, my back, my shoulders. If I left again… _when_ I left again…I would take his marks with me, a reminder there would always be some part of him with me, in my mind or imprinted on my body.

Cassian clenched his teeth and I felt his hands tightened at my waist as he thrust up into me, surging in deep. I braced an arm against the wall at the same time my other hand slid around the back of his head and his name dropped from my lips, soft with pleasure. He went rigid beneath me, his arms locked crushingly tight around me, his face buried in my shoulder.

Even after my breathing slowed, smooth and steady with his, even after the tension slid from Cassian’s body and he went boneless in my arms, I didn’t let go, didn’t release my hold on him.

Cassian was the first one to move as he brushed my hair back to look me in the eyes. I rested my forehead against his, fingertips settling over the bandage at his side.

This didn’t fix anything. His home was Yavin 4, his world was war. Mine was not. But for now, I didn’t protest as Cassian took my hand, intertwining our fingers together and he kissed me like everything would be okay as long as the morning never came.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying it so far and feel free to leave prompts or just chat or anything at all, it totally makes my day, here or on tumblr @warqueenfuriosa ! XOXO


	3. Chapter 3

I could feel Cassian’s heartbeat against my back, his chin tucked in the curve of my neck and shoulder, his sandpaper-rough cheek against my ear. And as always, his arm around my waist. But the reassurance was for him as much as it was for me now, that I hadn’t disappeared in the middle of the night like I should have.

I knew I had to leave. I knew the longer I didn’t move, I ran the risk of Cassian waking up. And I didn’t have any fight left for yet another round of arguing with him.

But I wanted to stay and that’s what scared me the most. It wouldn’t work. I was still skittish as a mouse, terrified to touch a gun, sleepless in the night unless Cassian was there and I couldn’t saddle him with anything else when he already had so much weighing on his shoulders.

Finally, I forced myself to ease out from under Cassian’s arm. I didn’t dare breathe in case he woke and I’d have to see that hurt on his face all over again. But sleep had taken him under too deep to notice my absence, such a rare occurrence when he usually only dozed.

I dressed as quickly and quietly as possible then made the mistake of looking back. I sat on the edge of the bed as I trailed my hand over Cassian’s cheek, fingers sliding through his hair. He shifted, burying his face in my pillow, his arm stretched out into the warm empty indent where I’d been moments before.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

I pushed off of the bed and this time I didn’t look back as I headed to the docking bay. When I passed Bodhi’s room, my steps faltered and came to a stop completely. I tipped forward on my toes, willing myself to keep going but I turned around instead, tugged by that memory of how good it felt to have Cassian’s hands on my skin again and the faint chant in the back of my mind…

_I want to stay, I want to stay._

I knocked on Bodhi’s door. Nearly a full minute passed before I heard muffled footsteps inside and the door opened. Bodhi scrubbed a hand over his face and stood a little straighter when he saw me.

“Hey,” he said. “Is everything okay?”

“Can I talk to you?” I hated the way my words trembled, how wet my voice sounded.

Bodhi’s gaze darkened with concern but he simply nodded and gestured me inside. When the door was closed again, I sucked in a breath whether I was ready or not.

“How do you do it?” I said.

“Do what?”

“Don’t you ever just…want to curl up into a ball and never face any of this war ever again? How do you get out of bed in the morning when all you want to do is hide? How do you…how do you deal with these memories that never stop or go away or…”

I broke off and the silence that descended on Bodhi’s room made me close my eyes, made me itch to run.

“Well,” Bodhi said slowly, “for starters, you don’t do it alone.”

I stifled a groan at how much that sounded exactly like something Cassian would say.

“No one does,” he continued. “That’s a battle you’re never going to win if you think fighting it by yourself is going to make you strong, make you conquer it.”

I ducked my head and bit my lip, eyes screwed shut tight. “I’m not sure I can do that.”

“But you already are.”

I raised my head to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“When you were assigned to Anadeen, were you flying solo?”

“Yes.”

“What about that Rebel spy you were sent to make contact with? What about Cassian moving heaven and earth to get you out of there?”

I hesitated. “This isn’t exactly the best example to use, Bodhi. That Rebel spy is dead and Cassian…”

I trailed off and my gaze slid sideways. Bodhi edged a little closer and he barely touched my wrist with the very tips of his fingers.

“My point is that when you’re on active duty, there is always someone fighting beside you in some way, communications officers, soldiers, pilots. War is not pleasant by any means and yes, I wish I could pull the blanket over my head every morning and do my best to forget any of this ever happened. But you’re a part of something always, whether you’re in the middle of a war or not. There are people depending on me, the same as they’re depending on you.”

I studied him for a moment. “That’s the first time I’ve heard you put so many words together all at once.”

He shrugged with a faint smile. “Did that answer your question though? Or was it…rambling?”

I looked back over my shoulder with a sigh. “It made perfect sense, Bodhi. Sorry I woke you so early.”

“I have to be up soon anyway. Are you going back to Bespin? Or somewhere else?”

My stomach twisted and I glanced down at my hands. “I haven’t decided yet.”

“Let me know when you figure it out and I’ll take you.”

I dipped my head in appreciation and as I turned towards the door, I stopped. “Bodhi?”

“Yeah?”

“Just…one more thing. Do you ever feel like you’re letting people down? Or getting in the way?”

“All the time,” he said without a flicker of hesitation.

“Then how…?”

“I’m not going to pretend that it’s easy, because it isn’t. And it doesn’t go away, you just…” He paused and spread his hands. “You just get used to it I guess. As much as all those people out there are fighting alongside me, I’m fighting for them too. And that…it helps, even a little bit.”

I hesitated before I stood on tiptoe to kiss his cheek.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

He nodded and hitched one shoulder up. “You know…I don’t mean to influence your decision in any way but…I really hope you stay. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. About all this.”

“I’m thinking about it.”

“Really?” he said, brightening slightly.

“There are a few hitches I have to work out first though. It’s sketchy at best. That’s not a yes so don’t…don’t get your hopes up, okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Can I maybe help with anything?”

“You already have.”

***

I sat on a crate of rations in the docking bay, my forearms resting on my knees as I watched ships coming and going. I had nothing with me except the shirt on my back after abandoning all my belongings on Bespin to get Cassian to base. I was still sitting there when Cassian skidded into the room, tugging his coat on, frantically scanning the docking bay.

“Cassian,” I said quietly.

He whipped around and his entire body sagged with relief. He didn’t glance around the bay, didn’t check to see if anyone was watching as he came towards me. And for the first time, he took my hand in public.

It felt as if my heart would lurch up my throat and onto the floor in a heaving mass of panic and misery. After all this time, after wrestling with the realization that I didn’t have a place here anymore, he was finally giving me exactly what I wanted. But I couldn’t keep it.

“How long have you been sitting here?” he said, crouching down in front of me.

“Four hours.”

“Plenty of time to cut and run.”

“Yes it is.”

“But you didn’t.”

I shook my head.

Cassian’s thumb brushed back and forth over my knuckles as if he was considering something. Then he pulled me to my feet. He didn’t let go of my hand as he led me to his ship in full view of everyone and shut the door.

He turned to face me and waited as I composed myself. I stared at the middle of his chest, unable to meet his gaze as I searched for the right words when there weren’t any to be found.

“Start anywhere, sweetheart,” he said. “We’ll sort it out.”

I raised my head to look at him. “I’m scared,” I whispered.

He pulled me into him and my ribs hitched on a sob to feel him completely surrounding me, as if he could protect me, keep me safe if he held me tight enough. Then the words started tumbling out despite my shaky voice and I couldn’t stop.

“I shouldn’t be like this,” I said. “I wasn’t beaten to death. I got out alive with only a few nightmares but it feels as if I’m about to fall apart at any second. I can’t stand to be alone. I can’t stand the dark. I almost killed Chirrut because I can’t think straight and it horrifies me that you could have been the one I shot instead of him. And I know I got lucky – “

“You don’t believe that,” he said, his voice a deep rumble in his chest, frustration lurking beneath his tone.

“I do and I can tell you don’t like it when I say that but – “

“Just because you weren’t beaten to within an inch of your life, that doesn’t make you lucky, sweetheart. You’re living through it a thousand times over in here,” he said, his palms pressed to either side of my head with a slight shake for emphasis. “No matter where you go, no matter how far you run away from Anadeen, no matter how far you run away from _me_ , it’s in your head. And you can never escape that. It’s not lucky.”

“If it’s all in my head, I should be able to get over it already.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” he said, low and insistent, almost pushed through clenched teeth. “There are no scars, no broken bones, no bruises. But you’re still bleeding. You’re still hurting and that’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

“I hate how it wears on you,” I said, trembling, as a single tear slid down my cheek and into his palm. “You’re already stretched so thin, Cassian, and I can’t…I can’t burden you with this too.”

He frowned, opened his mouth to protest then bowed his head. I curled my hands over his wrists, bracing myself against the twist in my gut. I was losing him by my own doing. Again. And I listed towards him with the desire to stay this time, to keep him close instead of putting that aching distance between us again. He rested his forehead against mine, fingers threaded into my hair.

“Sweetheart,” he said, his voice measured and husky, barely restrained. “You are _never_ a burden. Don’t even _think_ that. It’s so, so far from the truth.”

More tears were coming now and I gave up trying to hold them back as I leaned into his hands and closed my eyes. “I want this to be over, Cassian.”

I felt him go rigid, felt him prepared to fight for us like he always had.

“Every time you look at me,” I continued, “I see the worry in your eyes. That’s the last thing you need in your life. I want to go back to the start when you’d hide me in supply closets and storage rooms and even the fueling station that one time and you’d smile so big that you couldn’t kiss me properly.”

He smoothed a hand over my hair. “I’d do anything to hear you laugh again.”

A small whimper slipped up my throat and I put a hand over my mouth, my eyes screwed shut tight.

“God, Cassian,” I croaked. “Do you always have to make everything so damn difficult? I’m trying to warn you that I’m a wreck so you can run for it and you’re not getting the hint.”

He managed a faint smile and took my hand. “Look at me,” he said gently.

I sighed. The minute I met his gaze, I knew the last shreds of my resolve to leave would fall away completely. And I looked up anyway.

“Don’t go because you think I won’t be able to handle having you around,” he said. “I don’t scare off that easy. And don’t go because you think you’re too screwed up. Whatever it takes, we’ll figure it out.”

I hesitated and glanced down at his hand wrapped around mine.

“What if I can’t laugh again, Cassian?” I whispered.

He raised my hand, turned it over and pressed a kiss into my palm before he curled my fingers closed again.

“Then you don’t have to. This is enough, right here.” He covered my hand with both of his. “If you’re set on this, sweetheart, I’ll take you back to Bespin myself. But only if that’s what you want.”

I swallowed hard, looking up at him. So many words swirled in my head. The fear lingered. The worry in Cassian’s eyes was still too strong, too dark. He would run himself into the ground to be there for me and that thought alone was terrifying. I knew I had to leave.

But that’s not what I said.

“I want to stay.”

***

Cassian kept the ship’s door closed and made his excuses to the rest of his team for an hour or two. He sat with his back to the wall of the ship, my head on his shoulder, my legs draped over his lap, as his hand trailed back and forth over my knee. I’d been holding everything in for so long that I felt hollow now, empty, after finally laying it all out at Cassian’s feet.

“I haven’t been completely honest,” Cassian said, so quiet in the stillness.

“About what?”

“You,” he said then added under his breath, “us.”

I pulled away to look at him, biting back questions in favor of giving him time to talk when he was ready. He’d waited for me to talk for months, over a year. Now I needed to do the same for him.

“I thought it would keep you safe,” he said, “if I didn’t tell anyone about you. I’ve seen too many people used against each other as leverage, chinks in the armor, blackmail. You show the galaxy you care about someone and…” He broke off as if the words were sour in his throat. “If I didn’t make it public, I didn’t make you a target.”

“Cassian,” I said softly. “I pestered you about it for months and you never said anything. I would have understood. I thought you didn’t – “

I stopped too late, suddenly realizing how ridiculous it would sound.

“Didn’t what?” he said, not a demand, not an accusation. A simple question only.

“Never mind.”

“Tell me anyway.”

I huffed and plucked at his sleeve. “I thought you didn’t want to say anything because maybe you were embarrassed about me or…something. It feels stupid now.”

He studied me, long and hard, in silence until I almost started to squirm.

“Why are you staring at me like that?” I said.

“Trying to figure out where I went wrong to make you think that way.”

“No, Cassian, that’s – “

“You have never been an embarrassment or a burden to me. Not once.” He paused and shook his head. “I’m not used to letting someone in like this, sweetheart. Watched too many people die, I guess, to take that chance. I don’t know how to…”

He trailed off with a helpless gesture.

“How to what?” I whispered.

“How to say…these things. I should have told you how I felt about you every single day until there was no room for doubt in your mind. But I…didn’t. I couldn’t.”

I took his face in my hands. “You showed me instead. You risked everything to get me out of Anadeen. For god’s sake, Cassian, when I ran, you never stopped looking for me, for an entire year.”

“Still should have told you.”

“Did you ever consider that it could be my fault?”

“No,” he said immediately.

I sighed. “Look, Cassian, the only reason I thought that way – used to think that way – was because I didn’t want to slow you down.”

His fingers on my knee flexed slightly. “You wouldn’t.”

“How can you be so sure of that? You don’t stumble or falter or hesitate. You don’t doubt yourself or question your decisions. You don’t even stay in the med bay for more than twenty-four hours. And here I am, completely taken off the job because I can’t trust my own mind to tell me what’s real and what’s not. I knew you would never give up on me but I couldn’t drag you into this mess too.”

He dropped his gaze to focus on his hand sliding up to rest on my thigh. “When I heard that you’d been caught…I’ve never been more terrified in my life. I’ve left so many people behind in this war but I couldn’t live with the thought that you might be one of them too.”

I blinked, startled. The idea of Cassian, usually so stoic and level-headed, suddenly at a loss for the fear in his veins, twining around his heart and squeezing…I couldn’t picture it.

“I was scared, sweetheart,” he said, finally meeting my gaze again. “Same as you. Always have been. You might not see it but it’s there. Trust me.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and his hands settled on my back, fingers buried between the spaces of my ribs.

“I’ll tell the team about you,” he said, voice muffled as he tucked his face into my shoulder. “Tonight.”

“That’s…fast.”

“Took me a year and six months to do it. That’s not fast.”

“You don’t have to, Cassian,” I said. “I’m sorry for what I said earlier.”

“You’re facing your demons, sweetheart. It’s only fair that I face mine too.”

“Even if that makes me a target?”

He hummed in thought. “Pretty sure you did that all on your own.”

I cast a sideways look at him. “Did you just make a joke at my expense?”

He didn’t smile but there was a tell-tale flash of a dimple in his cheek. “Maybe. You don’t have to laugh if you don’t feel like it.”

“Well I would if you were actually funny, Andor.”

That got him to smile, one corner of his mouth tipped up in appreciation. For the first time in a long, long time, the teasing gleam in his eyes returned, barely there, but there all the same, pushing out the weight of worry. And a little hope blossomed too, spare and miniscule though it was. I knew we could never go back to the start, but maybe…maybe we could pick up where we left off instead.

***

Cassian was silent on the way to the mess hall for dinner. He didn’t seem nervous, composed as usual, calm and collected. But the muscle in his jaw was clenched tight and he wouldn’t look at me. And when I slid my hand into his, I could feel the tremor in his fingers despite his iron grip. I leaned in a little closer, my cheek almost brushing his shoulder.

“Thank you for doing this, Cassian,” I said.

He glanced down at me and tucked a lock of hair behind my ear. He slid his hand along my jawline, fingers curled around the back of my neck and kissed my forehead, lingering a moment or two before he pulled away.

“Not too late to change your mind,” I said.

He shook his head. “I want to show the galaxy how lucky I am to have you in my life.”

The words were a little halting and I couldn’t even begin to imagine how hard this must be for him. He tugged on my hand as he entered the mess hall. His steps didn’t hesitate, didn’t slow as he spotted his team at a table in the corner, but his hold tightened on my hand until my fingers went numb.

Before Cassian could even open his mouth, Chirrut spoke.

“It’s about time you made things official,” he said.

Cassian stopped. “You knew?”

“Couldn’t keep your hands off of each other,” Baze muttered.

“It’s kind of gross in a cute way,” Bodhi chirped.

Cassian looked slightly disappointed, relieved and bewildered all at once. I ducked my head to smother a small smile.

“I thought…” he started.

“…you were being subtle about it?” Jyn finished for him, raising an eyebrow. “Risking your neck on Anadeen to get her back was a dead giveaway. You haven’t been fooling anyone.”

“And you don’t get points for trying,” Chirrut said.

Jyn slid closer to Bodhi and patted the seat beside her with a nod in my direction. “You can sit next to me. I’ve got plenty of embarrassing Cassian stories to tell you.”

“Thank you, Jyn,” Cassian said in a dry tone.

I settled in beside Jyn, leaving Cassian to take the last available space beside K2 who was staring at him.

“What?” Cassian said, spreading his hands.

“I’m not talking to you. Again.”

“And I’m sure you’ll tell me exactly why.”

“It is quite clear that she has been a significant factor in your decision making for a considerable length of time. How long?”

No one spoke as Cassian fumbled. I slid my foot under the table until my leg brushed against his in reassurance.

“A while,” he hedged.

“If you don’t count the past year,” Chirrut said. “I’d say six months. His heart rate sounded a little too high to be normal.”

Cassian rubbed the back of his neck, barely stifling a growl as he looked away, as if he was planning the best escape route.

“Six months,” K2 said. “And I’m the last to know.”

“Kay,” Cassian said in a gentle warning. “It’s not like that.”

“If you wanted to replace me, you could have said so. But I should remind you that my personality is unique and can’t be replaced.”

Cassian started to protest but K2 held up a hand.

“The probability that any of your explanations would be believable is very low. I think I’ll go make myself useful somewhere else.”

As K2 walked away, I cast an apologetic look in Cassian’s direction. But Chirrut was beyond delighted at Cassian’s distress.

“You’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight,” he quipped.

“Other captains don’t tolerate this kind of treatment from their team, you know,” Cassian said, but there was no menace in his voice to carry out the threat of that reminder.

“We like her more than you,” Baze said, completely straight faced, despite the gleam in his eye.

I sucked my bottom lip between my teeth and coughed a laugh into my elbow. Cassian’s gaze darted to me and for the rest of the dinner hour, he stopped objecting to the relentless teasing from his team. He didn’t even look like he minded at all, compared to his earlier unease.

As we left the mess hall, I hooked my little finger with his. “Sorry about K-Two,” I said. “I didn’t think he’d take it that hard.”

He shrugged. “He’ll be fine.”

“But he’s not talking to you again.”

“Kay never really…grasped the concept of that threat. I’ll get an earful later, don’t worry.”

“You know,” I said, slowly, “you were worried about people teasing me but you were the one with the target on your back tonight.”

“I don’t care.”

“Sure looked like you did.”

“It made you laugh. That’s all that matters to me.”

I smiled and before I realized I was thinking about it, I tucked my arm through his elbow. Then I remembered the people passing us in the hallway and I stole a sideways glance at Cassian. But he didn’t go stiff, didn’t act like he was guilty of something. Instead, he placed his hand over mine, as if it was an old habit, already worn into the ease of familiarity.

***

For the first few weeks, I didn’t even bother attempting to sleep in my own quarters. As long as Cassian was at my back, I slept the night through. And he must have known that, judging by how many strings he pulled to stay on base for an entire two months without a single off world assignment that didn’t take more than a few hours.

Just as I was getting used to a solid night’s sleep with no nightmares in sight, Cassian posed a question that had me wide awake in an instant. He slid into bed behind me as usual with a kiss to my shoulder, his arm around my waist.

“We should go to the firing range tomorrow,” he said.

My breath caught in my throat. “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet, Cassian.”

“I’ll be right beside you. Nothing bad will happen. I promise.”

I said nothing, struggling to contain the frantic racing of my pulse.

“Think about it, sweetheart,” he said, his voice already husky with oncoming sleep.

His breathing evened out within minutes but I continued to stare at the ceiling for hours. I’d agreed to this, in a way. By returning to base, to Cassian, I’d chosen to chip away at this paralysis of fear until I reached a semblance of normalcy. But I didn’t realize it would be this hard so fast.

At some point, I drifted off only to see the still-warm blaster in my hand and the gaping hole in Chirrut’s shoulder all over again. I sat upright, sucked in a lungful of air, both hands over my mouth to keep quiet.

But Cassian was already awake. His hand slipped under the hem of my t-shirt and his palm skimmed the length of my spine, fingers curved over my waist.

“What is it?” he said softly.

I shook my head. “Nothing.”

He pushed himself up, hooking his arm all the way around my waist as he pressed a kiss to the back of my neck.

“Sweetheart,” he said, breathing the words against my skin, “don’t shut me out.”

I rested my forehead against my knees. “I haven’t touched a gun since I shot Chirrut.”

“I know.”

I twisted around to look at him. “How? I never said anything.”

“At Bespin, you didn’t have a blaster. You always carried some kind of weapon…before. But maybe spending some time on the firing range might help.”

“By keeping me awake at night, worrying that I could shoot someone else?”

“No. By proving to yourself that you’re stronger than you realize because you’re the only one who doesn’t believe it.”

I blew out a breath and looked away. His fingertips trailed along my jawline before sliding through my hair and I turned to face him, leaning into him.

“Okay,” I said, my voice so small in the shadows, tucked in close against his neck. “I’ll go.”

***

There were only two other people on the firing range after breakfast. I followed Cassian to the far side of the range where we would be relatively alone. A blaster waited for me on a table, the exact same model I used to have, fully loaded and ready to go. Cassian picked it up and when he turned to give it to me, I flinched. He placed a hand at my elbow, fingers curled around my arm in reassurance and he pressed the blaster into my palm. The metal was icy cold yet it felt like it was burning through my skin straight to the bone.

Cassian leaned in and placed a kiss to my temple. “Take your time,” he said quietly. “Focus on your target and remember to breathe.”

I nodded, my tongue glued to the roof of my mouth as he stepped out of my line of sight. I raised the blaster, aimed at the bull’s-eye target at the other end of the range. But my hands were shaking and when I finally managed to pull the trigger, my shoulders jerked up around my ears, my lungs empty. My shot completely missed the target, leaving a burn mark in the wall instead.

“Try again,” Cassian said off to my right.

I braced one hand against the table for a moment, sucked in a gasp of air, and returned my attention to the target. Again, the shot went wide and I bit back a growl of frustration.

Cassian edged into my line of sight and gestured to the blaster. I lowered it and he stepped up behind me, his chin tucked over my shoulder, his chest solid and warm against my back. He reached around me and his hands cupped my elbow, stabilizing my arms.

“Breathe,” he whispered. “You’re safe here and you’re not going to hurt anyone.”

He didn’t move away as my hands grew a little steadier and my stuttering breath took on a calmer rhythm. He let me guide my aim to the target again and the weight of the blaster in my hand wasn’t quite as intimidating with Cassian’s warmth at my back.

I fired and this time the shot barely nicked the target but it was a hit nonetheless. I felt the smallest smile on Cassian’s lips as he kissed my ear lightly.

“Keep going,” he said.

I continued to fire until my energy cell was empty. I’d missed the target more times than I’d hit it but at least I was shooting again. Cassian retrieved an energy cell from the table and tossed it to me. Without thinking, I reloaded, moving by muscle memory alone.

He took up his position behind me but this time, his hands came to rest on my hips, so, so lightly I could barely feel him. I squeezed the handle of my blaster to steady my hands and forced out a long, slow breath, centering on the target.

I pulled the trigger and a scorch mark flared to the left of the bull’s-eye, the closest I had come to hitting dead center for the past hour.

I had been so focused on the target that I didn’t feel Cassian’s hands fall away from me, didn’t hear him retreat, didn’t even notice the lack of his heat against my back that always kept me grounded. Until I turned around and found him standing several feet away, nowhere near me.

“You did it on your own sweetheart,” he said, opening his arms wide.

I set the blaster aside and barreled into him, wrapping my arms around his neck. He stumbled a few steps to catch his balance, his hand cradling the back of my head. I closed my eyes, breathing in the worn leather of Cassian’s jacket and the lingering bitter scent of caf always clinging to his skin.

“You’re going to be okay,” he whispered against my hair.

***

“It’s only a quick scouting mission,” Cassian said. “I’ll be gone maybe a week at the most. You can stay in my room. I really don’t mind.”

I shook my head as I sorted through the mess of clothes in the single chest of drawers in his quarters. Cassian had retrieved what little belongings I’d left behind on Bespin and most of my clothes had ended up tangled with his over the past few months. I tugged a shirt out and tossed it on the pile of clothes I’d accumulated on his bed.

“I’ve been here for four months, Cassian,” I said. “I haven’t slept in my quarters once during all that time.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

I cast a look over my shoulder at Cassian where he stood on the other side of the room, packed bag at his feet, for all intents and purposes ready to go. But the set of his shoulders, the way he shifted ever so slightly, said he didn’t want to leave.

“You’re the one,” I said, “who told me I needed to prove to myself that I’m stronger than I realized. This is part of it.”

“But…” he said, fading as quickly as he started.

“What?”

He shrugged and his gaze slid sideways. I returned my attention to the drawers again and retrieved the last shirt I’d need for the week.

“It’s…good,” Cassian said, his voice so low, I almost missed it. “With you around. Here.”

I faced him but he wouldn’t look at me, his gaze firmly trained on the bedside table.

“So you’re saying you don’t mind having a second person crammed into these tiny quarters with you? Half of my things are stuffed in with your things, we bump into each other all the time…”

He hitched one shoulder up, hooked his thumbs in his back pockets. “I’d rather find your shirts in my bag and trip over your boots on the floor than come home to an empty room ever again.”

I came around the bed to take Cassian’s hand and rested my chin on his shoulder.

“I want to be able to sleep on my own,” I said gently. “I can handle a blaster without freaking out now. It’s time for me to do this too.”

He tipped his forehead to touch mine. “If it turns out to be too much too fast, you’re always welcome to stay here. You know that, right?”

“Yes I do. And just because I _can_ sleep in my own room doesn’t mean I’ll _stay_ in my own room when you get back.”

He laughed softly and took my face in his hands, thumbs smoothing over my cheekbones.

“I wish you’d chosen to do this while I was on base,” he said. “I don’t like the idea of you pushing through this without me around.”

“Well get used to it fast because I’ve made up my mind.”

He rolled his eyes. “And when that happens, the battle is lost.”

I poked him in the ribs and he shied away with a grin as he caught my wrist. He kissed the back of my hand before taking me by the shoulder and wrapping his arms around me for a moment. Then he sucked in a deep, steadying breath and broke away.

“All right,” he said. “I’m going. Remember, sweetheart, if you’re not ready for this…”

“I know, Cassian. I have a place here.”

He squeezed my hand one last time before he grabbed his bag and headed out the door. When he was gone, I gathered up my clothes and made my way to my quarters.

The first night was the hardest, every hour dragging by, slow and agonizing. I kept the light on and I didn’t sleep more than a light doze here and there, distracting myself by reading or cleaning my quarters, anything to keep my mind busy.

By the third night, somewhere around midnight with my heart stuttering against my rib cage, I pushed out of bed and found myself in Cassian’s quarters, a pair of his boots tucked under the bed, a shirt tossed over the back of a chair. But I wasn’t staying. I would work through this. I needed to.

I dug through Cassian’s clothes until I found his black leather jacket I loved so much and pulled it on. I buried my nose in the collar and closed my eyes, breathing him in as I made my way back to my room.

I slid under the covers and tugged his jacket a little tighter, the leather soft and pliable from years of use. It almost felt as if Cassian was here with me, his arm around my waist as always, his chest pressed to every inch of my back. And the darkness didn’t seem quite so suffocating after that.

***

By the time Cassian returned, I was wearing his jacket all the time, no matter where I went or what I did. On the day he got back, I waited on the landing pad, wind plucking at me as his ship landed and he stepped out. He hoisted his pack over his shoulder as he spoke to K2 for a moment and as he turned towards base, I raised my arm to get his attention.

For a split second, just a blink, his gaze darted over me, always gauging if I was okay. Then a smile blossomed across his face bright enough to rival the twin suns, a smile I had ached to see for so long and I felt like I could fly right then and there. He came towards me and let his pack drop with a _whump!_ as his arms locked crushingly tight around me until my toes came off the ground.

After nearly a full minute, he pulled away and his knuckles barely brushed my chin as he gave a playful tug to the collar of his jacket I was still wearing.

“This looks familiar,” he said, his eyes dancing.

“I might have commandeered it in your absence,” I said as I stood on tiptoe to kiss him.

He hummed against my mouth, pleasant and warm, then wrapped an arm around my shoulder and tucked me close against his side. He picked up his pack as we headed back to base.

“Did you sleep at all?” he said.

“It’s still a little rough sometimes. But…” I tucked my hands into the pockets of his jacket and touched my cheek to my shoulder. “This helped.”

His gaze softened as he glanced down at me and stopped walking. “Yeah?”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

A beat of silence.

“I’m never getting it back, am I?”

I grinned up at him. “Nope. It’s mine now.”

“I like it better on you anyway. And it’ll be easier to find you in crowd.”

“How?”

“When I sew a tracking device into the lining while you’re asleep.”

I froze. “What!?”

But he was already laughing, color dusting his cheeks a flush dark pink, and I couldn’t look at him seriously, couldn’t maintain my indignance when he was like this. I attempted to squirm out from under his arm but he dropped his pack again and he had both arms around my waist in an instant, holding me in place.

“I was kidding, sweetheart. Mostly.”

I twisted around to look at him and the laughter was still there but…I could see the concern he couldn’t quite hide, the question in his eyes that maybe I would disappear when his attention was somewhere else, followed by the flood of relief when he saw me again. And it stung. Would I ever get his trust back? Or would he always be looking at me like this with a reservation of concern and never fully at ease?

“You have to admit,” he continued, forcing his tone to be lighter than his words indicated, “it would be convenient. If you took off, I could narrow down the search in much less time than a year.”

“Cassian,” I said softly. “Do you really think I’m going to make a break for it again at the first chance I get?”

He held my gaze, fingers tracing the line of my spine, gentle instead of restraining this time.

“No,” he said, so, so quiet. “I think you’re here to stay.”

“Smart man.” I shifted away and started shrugging out of his jacket. “But you can have this back now.”

“No, no, come on, sweetheart, keep it.” He caught the lapels of his jacket and pulled it over my shoulders again. “No tracking devices.”

I squinted at him. “Promise?”

“I promise.” He drew me close by his jacket, his nose brushing against mine. “If you move into my quarters with me.”

I pulled back, searching his face, startled.

“Most of your things are already in my room anyway,” he pointed out. “Unless you’re not – “

“Yes,” I said.

He paused on a tentative look of hope. “Yes?”

“But are you sure? I mean, that’s a big step.”

He nodded, melting with relief as he slid his hands around my waist. “I’ve wanted to ask you for months but you were going through so much…”

I pressed my palm to his cheek, my forehead resting against his.

“K-Two will be so jealous,” I said.

That blindingly bright smile he’d had a moment ago returned in all its glory. “If it means you’ll stay, I can handle it.”

***

Two weeks later, a Rebel ship limped its way back to base with over a dozen TIE fighters on its tail. Every ounce of man power available, every ship, every pilot, was deployed to protect and defend the base. The skirmish was barely visible just outside the atmosphere of the planet, punctuated by a sprinkle of clouds, but I caught flashes here and there, when a Rebel ship took a hit, when a TIE fighter burst into a shower of sparks.

And I could do nothing but watch. I wouldn’t be cleared for active duty for at least another three months, if I didn’t run into any setbacks.

Then the ships started falling, Rebel and TIE fighters together, blazing stars hurtling through the atmosphere, leaving scorched trails of burning destruction ripped through the planet. Rescue teams were sent out, scurrying into the thick jungle like ants. Medics brought back pilots bleeding and gasping against the life seeping out of them, along with other pilots so still and silent. I searched every face to make sure Cassian wasn’t among them.

A Rebel ship came into view, flightless as a stone, and as it dropped, my stomach surged up my throat at its familiarity. That was Cassian’s ship.

It hit the ground only a few feet away from the base, the broken jungle folding in over the wreck. Another ship rolled in next to it and I recognized the rigid black design of the TIE fighter with a chill of icy dread despite the summer heat.

Before I could think about it, I was moving through the jungle, my gaze trained on the spot where I’d seen Cassian’s ship go down. Vines and branches and roots tangled around me like grasping fingers as I struggled through the underbrush.

Just as the wreck came into view, smeared with dirt and scorch marks, thin tendrils of smoke coiling out like ribbons, I caught a flash of pale, cold eyes and I stopped dead in my tracks. A spider web of scars crawled up his neck and over his face but I would never forget that look, so cruel and unfeeling, as long as I lived.

Then he was gone, swallowed down the green gullet of the jungle and I crouched down, searching for something – a rock, a stick – anything, to defend myself with. I might be able to shoot a blaster fine now but I wasn’t cleared to carry it yet and my palms hitched to hold a weapon, to make him bleed.

A hand caught my elbow and I shrieked, spun around, fist already flying on an arc.

Cassian put up an arm to block the blow, eyebrows raised in surprise. I let out a shaky breath of relief at the sight of him, his face streaked with soot and mud, a gash running the length of his left cheekbone.

“Cassian,” I breathed. “Your ship, it went down.”

“The others are stuck inside and I’ve been trying to get them out when I spotted you. What are you doing here? You should be on base where it’s safe.”

“I saw him.”

The words were strong, clear, firm, and I wasn’t shaking, but I couldn’t stop looking at the jungle around me.

“Who?” Cassian said, fingers curving around my elbow in reassurance.

“ _Him,”_ I repeated through gritted teeth. “From Anadeen. I’m sure it was him. I wasn’t imagining things. I saw him, Cassian. I know I did.”

“Okay, okay,” he said softly, his hand trailing from my elbow to touch my cheek. “I believe you, sweetheart.”

He drew his blaster and pressed it into my hand. “Stay close. Help me get the rest of my team out of my ship and we’ll head right back to base, got it?”

I nodded and followed him back to the wreck. Cassian dropped to his knees in front of the mangled viewport, the ship’s wall half caved in, leaving only a slip of opening to squirm through, lined with jagged teeth of glass and durasteel. Bodhi’s voice, faint and muffled, came from inside the ship.

“I got the wiring working again,” Bodhi said. “But the door is jammed from the outside.”

“Is Jyn still unconscious?” Cassian said.

“Awake but disoriented.”

Cassian pulled his sleeves over his hands and pushed at the shards of broken glass in an attempt to widen the hole. He glanced up at me.

“Can you check the door while I help Jyn? It would be easier to move her out that way if we can get it open.”

I hesitated, shifting from foot to foot.

“It’s just the other side of the ship, sweetheart,” he said. “I’ll be right here.”

I nodded and made my way around to the rear of the ship. But the door was bowed inward as if a giant fist had connected with it, and there was no way it would budge without the proper tools to pry it open. Either the rest of Cassian’s team would have to come out the viewport or one of us would have to return to base for help.

“We can’t get the door open,” I said. “Not with what we have on hand. It’s too mangled.”

Silence. No response.

“Cassian?” I repeated, too quiet this time, dread curling my fingers around the handle of Cassian’s blaster pistol in a death grip.

Slowly, I edged around to the front of the ship to find the Imperial officer with an arm around Cassian’s throat, blaster muzzle digging into his cheek. Cassian was rigid, feet planted wide to brace himself, fingers clawed deep into the officer’s arm at his windpipe.

“Missed me?” the officer said.

“You were shot. No one could have survived that hit you took.”

He tightened his hold around Cassian’s throat, flexing his gloved fingers with a smirk and I could tell by the movement that it was more mechanical than human. Cassian closed his eyes, struggling to maintain a neutral expression despite the color rising in his face from his lack of oxygen.

“Most of me didn’t,” he replied. “But I was patched up, my broken parts replaced with new ones, all oiled to perfection. Stripped me of my rank, mind you, for letting you get away. Although it seems my luck is about to change.”

“Doubt it,” I said as I raised Cassian’s blaster. My hands were steady but the shot…the shot would be tight, too tight. If I was off less by so much as an inch, I would hit Cassian.

“You’re going to tell me what was on that holodisc,” he said.

“I didn’t before and I certainly won’t now.”

“Yes you will,” he said. “Because I know exactly who this is.” He pressed the blaster muzzle further into Cassian’s cheek. “You told me all about him and you’ll do anything to keep him alive.”

I gritted my teeth and aimed. But before I could take the shot, Cassian drove his elbow into the officer’s ribs. The officer doubled over and Cassian twisted, caught the officer’s gun arm, holding him at bay for a moment, less than a moment.

I didn’t think, didn’t hesitate. I pulled the trigger.

The officer dropped, flat on his back. I kept firing, advancing on the officer’s body, until the blaster went empty and there was nothing but the furious _click-click-click_ of the trigger and the hissing sound of the gaping hole in the officer’s chest.

Slowly, Cassian placed his hand over the top of the blaster and gently pried it from my grip.

“He’s gone, sweetheart,” he said. “It’s over.”

Only then did I start shaking, teeth chattering despite the sweat slick on my palms and snaking down my spine. My knees felt loose, disconnected from the rest of my body and I almost slid straight to the jungle floor before Cassian tucked an arm around my waist and pulled me close. My fingers curled into fists in his shirt to keep myself upright. And I pressed my face into his shoulder with a sob of relief.

***

Four months later, I was back on active duty, though the assignments I was given kept me close to the base for the most part. But I was working, I was carrying a blaster, and things almost felt…normal.

The downside to being on active duty again was seeing so much less of Cassian, despite sharing his quarters with him. When he spent weeks off world at a time, I would tug his jacket a little tighter around me, my fingers tracing the faded stitches and seams.

Today was one of those days. Cassian had received an assignment that would send him out for two weeks and even though I hoped to see him before he left, my own assignment was coming up within the hour and the chances of crossing paths were slim at best.

But as I made my way to our quarters to fetch my gear, I spotted Cassian coming down the corridor in the opposite direction. He met my gaze and a smile slipped across his face. He glanced over his shoulder, interlaced his fingers with mine and tugged me into a storage room filled with crates of supplies.

Before the door had closed, Cassian was already peppering me with a thousand little kisses, over and over, one hand peeling his jacket from my shoulders, the other plucking at the buttons of my shirt. I caught his wrists, laughing against his mouth.

“Cassian, wait,” I said. “I have to be at the landing pad in ten minutes.”

“Plenty of time.”

He trailed a line of kisses down the curve of my neck and I closed my eyes with a whimper. I let his hand twist out of my grasp far too easily and his palm settled at the small of my back, drawing me flush against him.

“No it’s not,” I said in a strangled voice.

He grinned against my skin, so slow and wicked, and I was already lost.

“Ten minutes is a challenge, sweetheart,” he said, punctuated with a kiss between every other word. “And I know…” Kiss. “You’re always…” Kiss. “Up for one of those.”

I slipped two fingers into his belt and pulled him even closer until he listed forward a step and I retreated, my back against the wall.

“Challenge accepted, Captain,” I replied.

He hummed with triumph, but only for half a second. I snapped his belt open and my fingers ducked under his waistband to wrap around the length of him with just the right amount of pressure to leave him shaking. He let out a breathless gasp of a curse, his palm flattened against my hip, grounding himself and pleading for mercy all at once.

In a blur, Cassian’s hands were everywhere as I slipped my shoes and pants off, his fingers curved around my waist, splayed across the rise and fall of my ribs, then hooked under my thighs as he lifted me up. I sank down onto him, feeling every inch of him slide into me, my head dropped back against the wall, eyes closed, fingers locked in his hair. Cassian bowed his head to my collarbones, his breath, short and shallow and searing hot, fanning across my skin.

“Cassian,” I managed past a tremble. “Ten minutes…”

“…is not enough time,” he finished for me, his voice muffled and tight.

“I’m…going to be…late.”

He pulled out and surged deeper into me, his mouth against my throat, the flat of his tongue teasing at my pulse. He tipped his chin up just enough to nudge my ear with his nose.

“Do you care?” he said, words tattooed straight from his lips onto my skin. The rough scrape of his stubble accented the question so perfectly that he coaxed a shivery _no_ right out of me.

The threat of distance, for any length of time, a day, a week, a month, had brought an edge to Cassian. He didn’t rush, he never rushed, he simply became _more_. More insistent with the press of his fingertips, imprinting me on his palms. More urgent with the sweep of his tongue against mine. More desperate to touch every inch of me he possibly could.

As I fell apart in his arms, I took his face in my hands, my mouth open with his on the same breath of pleasure. And when I came down, still trembling just slightly, I saw no concern in his dark eyes that I might disappear when he wasn’t looking, that I might change my mind and take off after all. Only steadiness.

Ten minutes had long since passed and I unwrapped my legs from his waist as he eased me to the floor again. I dressed as quickly as I could and Cassian picked up his jacket, draped it over my shoulders with a solid, lingering kiss.

“Do I have to go?” I whispered, sliding my arms around him.

“Try not to think about it too much.”

I huffed. “You don’t like it either. Don’t pretend as if it doesn’t bother you.”

He shook his head with a soft laugh. “Of course it bothers me. You’re out there and I’m not with you.”

“But the tracking device you put in your jacket helps, doesn’t it?”

“I promised not to.”

“Oh, that’s right. So you put it in my pack instead.”

For a moment, he looked startled, panicked, then he sagged. “It’s a precaution, sweetheart, that’s all. If something happened – “

“I get it,” I said, brushing two fingers over his lips to silence his protest.

He hesitated. “You do?”

I nodded. “You gave me your jacket to help me sleep, to feel safe. The tracking device does the same for you. Although it better be for assignments only. No spying on me when I’m on base.”

“It’s just to keep an eye on you when I can’t be there.” He tucked a lock of hair behind my ear, his thumb trailing along my jawline and when he spoke again, his voice was so, so quiet.

“It’s not because I don’t trust you, sweetheart,” he said. “I know you’ll come back.”

I leaned into him and closed my eyes. “And if I don’t, you’ll find me.”

He kissed the top of my head, the broad expanse of his palm warm and firm against my cheek. “Whatever it takes, as long as you’re safe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! Feel free to drop me a message on tumblr @warqueenfuriosa to leave prompts or to chat! *MUAH*


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